Food, Thoughts and Fasting. Pictures Too.

I'm fasting today. No, its not the month of fasting. No, its not a diet attempt since I usually pig out later. No, I'm not trying to save money because I'll spend even more on my pigging out meal.

Due to some reasons, I'm fasting today.

On a normal day, I look forward to my meals. I sometimes plan what I want to eat.

During the fasting month, I'll tell Mama what might be good on the table during iftar.

But when I'm fasting on some wild random day, I turn into a food maniac.

I look at pictures of food, I read blog posts about food and I freaking imagine food.Its only 2pm here and I've been planning what to eat for iftar for the past 4 hours. Let me take you through my mind for a bit.


I want a Subway. But then its Tuesday, I don't like the Daily Sub. What about KFC? Oh god, those fried chicken. I'll get a snack plate, spicy. But but, I can just imagine ordering Tomyam Noodles. Or maybe I can get Uncle Bob's Fried Chicken.

No no, I need to save some money. I'll just get a burger .. which I had yesterday. Fried rice then. Hmmm, what kind? Chicken fried rice, seafood fried rice, pattaya fried rice( a giant thin omelette is wrapped around the fried rice), Oh oh oh. Mushroom fried rice. With a sunny side up. Yum.

Or maybe, McDonald's.


So far, I've planned to even get some chocolate thingies, just to add the sugar in my blood (not that I'm in danger of it going low). Perhaps a waffle with chocolate and strawberry jam spread on it.

Over here, waffles are pretty much "popular". We got these stalls where they make the waffles there and you tell them what you want on it. You can choose from chocolate, blueberry jam, strawberry jam, butter, coconut jam and peanut butter. You can even ask for more than one spread.

Woohoo.

Last week, I bought this chocolate mint ice blended drink. Oh it was so good.

There's this uncle who sells prawn fritters which is the best I ever had in my life. He'll cut up 3 big ones for you, pour some sweet chilli sauce on it and its yours for a mere one ringgit.

(Is getting even more food in her mind)

Its less than 4 hours before I can eat. Less than 3 before I'll go buy food, unless I plan to go eat out.

To point out how much I love food, I'm posting some pictures of food I've taken with my phone over the past few months.

Cookies and cream drink from KFC.

Spicy beef spaghetti. Home made.

Vanilla ice cream on top of apple crumble. Home made.

Enriched Chocolate drink from Old Town White Coffee.

Fried rice, mixed vege stir fry, sweet and sour fish fillet and a piece of beef at some buffet.

Rice, lemon chicken and fried oyster mushroom. Home made.

Chocolate lava cake. Home made.

Mint with choc chips on top, cookies and cream on bottom.

Chicken patty, wrapped in egg,

Frozen yogurt from Tutti Frutti.

Yes, I'll be posting pictures on what I eventually decide to get for today.

Love,

Chocolate Bunnies Memory.

I was browsing through the Yahoo articles when I came across one of those "Let's compare different brands." kind. Most of the time, I skip that right over since most of those brands are either super expensive or aren't sold over here.

But this time, its chocolate bunnies. Yes, Easter is near. Here, its not a celebration with those eggs and rabbits. (I think since I've never seen any being displayed in supermarkets).

*gets a flashback memory*

While living in Nashville, we had a Walgreen's or something within walking distance from our apartment. During Easter, they'll have this super big display of chocolate bunnies.

There were large, medium and small ones. In pretty boxes decorated like a garden. The chocolate bunnies came in 4 different flavours: White chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate and cookies & cream.

Yes, they tasted heavenly.

I used my charms to persuade Dad to buy me one, every couple of days. By the time the whole Easter celebration went by, I had my own display in my bedroom.

Imagine this:

Boxes in each size lined up nicely, in every single flavour. Yes, I gained weight. No regrets.

I still remember the efforts I made to create my own display.

Yes, I didn't share any of those bunnies with anyone.

Here's to chocolate bunnies and the fourth month of the year.

Goodbye March.

First of all, there's a poll on the right side of the screen. I'll be grateful if you answered it. Thank you.


I just finished reading Carol Goodman's Incubus. Its a book where the cover might make you think it falls into those fantasy young adult genre which is really popular right now. Well, its a bit different. Darker. Not about destiny or true love.

It has a slow start but I got hooked after the first hundred pages. I like it. I finished it with regret. The ending was bittersweet. Something I might recommend to people. Under "Books that might change a small small part of you".

Its the end of March and I got a test coming up for a subject I'm still clueless about. I've tried doing the problems and I usually end up with this WTF look on my face. The calculations are simple but getting the theory and what it actually want is the hard part.

Last week, I managed to get one of them correct, after putting it aside for few times, over the span of 2 days. I got really giddy and texted a classmate with my boasting of it.

Moving on from that, I bought 5 books last weekend at this warehouse sale of 2nd hand books. I spent twelve ringgit for them, which is about one third the cost for a brand new one. I might do a post on them one day, once I read those romance and mystery novels.

They're on my bookcase, waiting for me to pick one of them up. When I haven't read a new book in some time, I'll devour one when I get my hands on it. But when I have plenty of them, I'll be taking my own sweet time (Thinks of the copy of Under the Dome by Stephen King which is partially read).

March has been ... hectic. Its good for some, blergh for others. Its better than my February, that I can say. Haha. What have you done with your March?

Ideal Place.

Prompt No Seventeen.



I see a room with hardwood flooring. Dark but not shiny. I see a big window with a lovely lovely lovely window seat. Cushions, perfect lighting. You can open the seat and see the books stored in it, mostly historical romances.

The carpet would be lush and thick. Creamy white. One would just love to dig their toes in while standing there. There would be two big cushions there, for one to lie on for a nap with the sun filtering in through the lace curtains.

Two of the walls would have floor to ceiling shelves. With the books categorised alphabetically, most showing their wears and tears through years of rereading. There would be one of those ladders that you can push around, to reach the higher shelves.

The walls would be this pretty olive green with framed puzzles that will glow in the dark. There would be a big one of Pooh and friends, camping. I'll probably put up another of the constellations.

The room would have this great surround system so I can just sit anywhere and listen to that song over and over. Just one click of a button and the sweet melody will play.

I see a beautiful wooden desk. Something with secret drawers. The light from the window behind would give the perfect mood for one to write.

If I ever get tired, there's the lovely cream sofa bed. Pillows, duvet. With a bedside table that has a notebook and pen on it.

Its a room where sometimes, you'll get tempted to slide across the floor in your stockings. Where you'll lounge in your pajamas while eating that biscuit you just baked. The room where you'll lose yourself in a plot.

Now, wouldn't that be perfect?

Poem of Need.

Hot chocolate in a green mug,

Feet in warm socks tucked in bed,

Historical romance novel,

Hug, kiss, hand to hold,

Sleepover conversation

Secrets passed in whispers,

Giggles in pillows,

Ticket to anywhere,

Hard backed notebook,

Lines waiting for personal thoughts,

Bar of dark chocolate,

To be eaten alone.

Prompted by this.

Session Five.

Favourite song of the moment.

Haven't you heard,
I'm stuck on a verse,
I'm stuck on a boy,
Who fills me with joy.

Kate Walsh- Your Song.

I don't listen to this song over and over. But I hum it in class while taking down notes. It doesn't represent my current emotional state but the melody is so sweet.

And he doesn't know,
Just how far I would go,
Just to kiss him,
He doesn't know,
How I pine.


At what age did you become an adult?

Hmm. I'm still halfway, I think.


Do you consider yourself to be lazy?

Yes. I prove that with my last minute studying, my last minute struggle to finish my work. I also prove it with my ugly notes. I cringe at giving them to people because I'm sure they'll cringe at it.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with.

I have this fear of revealing myself to someone and then being judged. There's so many layers to me and yes, the people that know most of them are my exes and Mokesart.

No, we're not together

So, the last deep conversation I had was most probably with .. Mokesart. Surprise. What was it about? Hmmm. Must be something to do with one of my insecurities.

Why him? He doesn't judge. He listens. He tries to understand. God. Yes, page him if you need someone to talk to. Just don't mention that you like Katy Perry/Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga.


5 things you want/ need to buy.

Just for the fun, I'm splitting this into two lists, possible with current budget and possible with imaginary budget.

First List
One- That pretty pretty pair of flats I saw the other day. If only they come with a slight heel. I'm stuck between the black, the violet and the purple ones.

Two- I was watching Glee last week when I saw uinn wearing this plain headband with this big-ish black flower on the side. It looked so pretty. I'm now on a mission to buy a headband with a smaller flower. Never mind that I'll be wearing it at home only but a girl still wants to be pretty.

Three- I have a love for facial masks and hair masks. Nothing makes me feel more spoiled when I'm wearing one.

Four- Books. I just bought 5 used books during the weekend. But books aren't something you can put a limit to.

Five- Soy bean milk. I have a hankering for some. Cold.


Second List

One- More books. Unlimited.

Two- One of those high tech phones that look just the same to me. Mainly for the games.

Three- Ebook reader. I know, I love books but well, sometimes an ebook reader is much lighter in my bag while being filled with plenty and plenty of ebooks that I currently have in my laptop.

Four- Ticket to somewhere I want to go. I'm not sure where to but do include the travelling plans budget in there.

Five- New keyboard. Or new laptop.

Weird things you do when you're alone.

Daydream, which is most of where my ideas for stories/poetry come from. I don't know if anything I do classifies as weird.


A book you want to read/have recently read.

Since I already did a post of book reviews, I'll answer this one with a book I want to read. My first idea for my answer would be the tenth book in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. If I'm not mistaken, its going to come out sometime this year.

But then, something wild came to my mind. I would really really like to read another Harry Potter book. May it be the 8th one or one about the generation before. Yes, some of you might think "God, another one." but I just love that series.

What do you want to major in?

*pretends I'm still in high school*

I want to major in Creative Writing.

*is back in reality, final year of university*

If someone tells me I can't do what I'm currently doing, I'll be doing something Economics wise. Or Finance. Which might just put me in the School of Business.

*is in a perfect world*

Sexuality Studies seems .. fun.

When was the last time you were nervous?

Hmmm. While waiting for my results. I tend to overthink them and always end up convincing myself I've failed everything.

Charming My Way Through Life.

*skips into my room, bringing a pretty box*

This is the post that I mentioned a while ago. Its the post explaining how I kept myself occupied during my first week of uni.

I found this lovely site where the lady makes jewelry which consisted mostly of bracelets and necklaces. It is one of my more girly habit of admiring such trinkets.

Such admiring led to me emailing her which led to me browsing the site for ideas.

Ideas?

What for?

Well ... for a customised piece. To be more precise, for my very own charm bracelet.

I dragged Mokesart into the whole choosing process. My enthusiasm was contagious because soon:

Hanis: Look at this flower, this one and this one too.

Mokesart: Hmm. Oooh. I like the 2nd one but perhaps in blue.

Yes. It took most of 2 days.

The lady was very nice, patient with my demands.

Hanis' Demands

8 very specific charms, completed with the various links of each one from her blog.

The arrangement style, which certainly took me some time to look for. There were like, a bajillion styles. It was like being in a bookstore filled with every single book that will ever interest me.

The whole ordering part took about 3 days. Payment followed (50 ringgit including delivery) and then it was made. Delivered but then ... the postman came over when no one was home. So today, I went to pick it up and I just love it.

Here's some pictures of it:

Yes, those are a H, cookie jar, carousel, castle, bunch of keys, globe, book and a feather.

H- Hanis

Cookie jar- The temptations of life which I sometimes, dip my had into.

Carousel- The child in me.

Castle- It reminds me of Cinderella's castle which of course reminds me of one of to-do things. Go to every single Disney theme park.

Bunch of keys- I'm the one holding the keys to my happiness, my dreams and my success.

Globe- I'm going to travel the world one day.

Book- My first love, reading.

uill- My second love, writing.

Yes, this charm bracelet is very personal to me.

Here's another picture.

Haha.

I encourage you to visit her blog and Etsy. Perhaps you'll find something you like (yes, she deliver internationally).

*skips off*

Good, Nice, Bad?

I've seen so many statements/opinions regarding this particular finnicky subject. It is a topic that some might say mysterious or plain ludicrous. What matter is it? Well, some might term it as:

What kind of a guy does girls want.

I'm sticking to that. Using my birth right as a woman, I can confidently answer that for me, I have no freakin idea.

To put it in a simple context, let's put aside the physical part and touch on one section which I've read like, a trillion times in the mags I read.

Good guys vs Bad boys.

Le sigh.

How do I put it? Well, everything that is written after this is purely Hanis' opinion so do not bash me. I don't even have a specific body type that I like in a guy. Its the person itself as a whole that attracts me.

First of all, I've read on some guys complaining how being the good guy has made them ended up being friendzoned by the very girl who bitched on how she wants a good guy who won't break her heart like the last asshole.

Hmm. There's the good guy and there's the nice guy. There's a thin line between those two. Its as fine as the line between the girl who's saving herself and the virginal prude.

Does that put the point across clearly?

I'm not dissing nice guys but sometimes, they can be such sticks in the mud. Let me give you an example.

Girl: Oh, B is a good guy. <--- Read how she says good, as in giving approval of his core character.

Girl: Oh, C is a nice guy. <--- Yawn. Nice. Friendzoned level 99.

I think most girls want that guy to be a mixture of both good and bad. Yes, some even nurse the fantasy of taming the bad boy.

Pfffft. Honey, stop watching those movies and reading those romance novels. That ain't happening.

Come to think of it, some girls want the bad boy as a way of rebelling. Or a way to know the other side of the fence. *shrugs* I never got into those bad ass guys. Unless its Draco Malfoy.

Maybe a girl just want a good guy who is rebelling slightly. Who might open up her eyes to the world. Who'll take her hand and lead her into adventures she herself is afraid of starting on alone.

But yes, being too nice does get you friendzoned. Don't be a jerk by telling your girl friend to stfu when she's bitching about the asshole. Just perhaps, tell her to listen to herself and do something about it. Like, bitching to the asshole before dumping his ass.

You'll get more respect that way and hey, she might look at you differently. No guarantees.

Now this is perhaps something I've never admitted to anyone but I see the appeal in a guy who might be just a bit fucked up. That .. novelty. That "I can help him." feeling. God. Its addictive. I've been through it. No, you won't be the love of his life. You'll just be another girl. Or at most, the girl who helped him move on before finding the love of his life (which is so not you).

Well, that's it. Oh, what kind of guy I want? I told you. I have no freakin idea. But I can say that he has to be prepared to take me to all of the Disney theme parks. Of course not in one go. Silly.

Words. Hurt. Relationships. Kill.

She was once strong. Very strong. But then, she fell in love.

The first left her with a belief that people's happiness are above hers.

The second last saw her on her knees, holding onto her broken self esteem.

She gave it another shot, foolishly so.

He thought her as weak. With scorn, he told her so in the most unrefined way with words. He didn't see the way a tiny fraction of the light in her eyes died. He saw the stiffening of her spine, the stubborn raise of her chin as arrogance. He accused her of no self respect.

He had no idea.

Confession No.32

That travel plan? I'm cancelling it.

The 2nd part to it is not even going to help.

Confession No.31

I swear every time I see you, I want to nibble on you.

I don't mean that in a "I'm hungry" way.

Yes, I mean it the other way

.

Session Four.

Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My future husband. Haha.

Well, to make this sound so cliche, I'm looking forward to see the person who will help bring out the best in me, and who will go to all the Disney theme parks with me.

I mean

What is your favorite form of exercise?

For now, I like walking. Walking until my legs feel funny. Until I can feel the drops of sweat sliding down my back. Its much easier to get ready for a walk, compare to go swimming. I still like swimming, but for now, walking first.

Why my last relationship ended.

Official relationship or non official?

Haha. Relationship can be between two friends, or two people who ... adore the other.

Distance. Difference. Lies. It was doomed from the start.

Enough said.

Favorite football club.

Erm, well, I don't really watch football.

Concerts I've been to.

Other than my brother's concert back in pre-school, none. Mama won't let me I don't like crowds. Even the thought of spending my money on a ticket.... Well. Yeah. I might go to one one day but who knows.

Now I think of it, I would rather lie in bed with the air conditioning on, heavy rain outside with my earphones on, my favourite songs playing while reading a book. Tell me that doesn't sound just as fun, and cheaper.

Your reflection in the mirror

I see a smile that shows a hint of straight teeth. I see a full face with acne scars (and some acne). I see dark brown eyes that crinkle at the sides when I smile. I see black hair darker than my black t shirt. I see a glint of the necklace Mama gave me as a child. I see longing. Hope. Desire. I see me.

Lines Oh Lines.

Here is a collection of lines from a group of songs in my phone. Well, basically from the Most Played playlist. Do not judge me. Oh do guess the songs. Godchild if you get half of them.

I wonder what was wrong with you, Cause how you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me.

The coup de grace that set me off, Would've made for decent fiction.

The tears that will fall, Means nothing at all, You have to get over yourself.

Did you regret, Ever standing by my side.

Cause you're a criminal as long as you're mine.

You popped my heart seams, all my bubble dreams, bubble dreams.

Tonight, Out on the street in the moonlight, Damn it, This feels just too right.

We were young, We were wrong, We were fine, all along.

Talk to the wind, Talk to the sky, Talk to the man with the reasons why, Let me know what you find.

Don't look at me.

Cause everything inside, It never comes out right, When I see you cry, It makes me want to die.

Cupid came back to me, He cried for so many nights.

What you don't understand is that, I'll catch a grenade for you.

I croak to you baby and I'll fall to your feet,I'll howl at your beauty like a dog in heat.

My illusion, My mistake, I was careless, I forgot, I did.

If love were a human it would know me, In a lost space come and show me, Hold me and control me and then, Melt me slowly down.

I decided long ago, Never to walk in anyone's shadows.

You're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, You're my wonderwall.

Save me, I'm lost. Oh lord, I've been waiting for you.



I skipped the classical music since those are either wordless or in languages I don't understand. If you want to know which ones, just refer to Fantasia (the Disney movie not the singer).

Some of the lines above might be obvious. Some might make you Google them and then come up with few songs.

Reviewing Books.

I wish I can say I've been busy with my first week back to even post an update. But I've been home for most of the week since well, its the first week. When I go to the class, there won't be a lecturer. When I skipped it, there would be one. So, I just thought:

"Fuck this, I'll go home."

For the past few days, I've been caught with something special. Something I'll blog about. With pictures. It might be another week or two before that particular post comes up but do be patient, you'll love it.

I don't know what to post about until I realised I haven't talked about the books I read lately. So here are the reviews for some of the books I've read.

Songs of the Humpback Whale by Jodi Picoult
I love Jodi Picoult. But then, I love her books where there's someone going into court for murder or something. I find that as the fun part. But this one, is her first ever book. It was confusing. It wasn't even interesting enough for me to keep on reading even after I flipped the pages to read the ending. Since it is her first book, I think its just her before she really found her niche.

Sleepyhead by Mark Billingham
This crime/mystery/medical book starts off a bit boring. I put it down and picked it back up 2 weeks later. It gets interesting after a while with the book encouraging us to think one character is indeed the person who's killing/leaving women in comas all over town. Its not predictable which is great.

Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
This is said to be a memoir. Well, if memoir means the story of your life with a bit of exaggeration then indeed, it is a memoir. Its pretty interesting. It makes me think "Woah, there's people like that?". If you're looking for something light to read while eating alone or before you go to bed, do pick up this one.

Looking for Alaska by John Green
Well. I expected it to be as great as Perks of Being a Wallflower which might be the reason why I was reading this book with slight boredom. I finished it with a shrug and told Mokesart that it was an okay book but I wouldn't rave about it to others. This book has been recommended to me by so many but .. I think the build up of that lead to reality being less so than expectation.

Beautiful People by Wendy Holder
To be honest, I picked this book because on the cover, Glamour wrote that its "a modern day Jilly Cooper" which I must say, is totally untrue. I've read one book of Jilly and I fell in love with it. Beautiful People lacks character development. It even borders a bit on those chick lit books that are kinda superficial that I dislike them.
Note to self: Stick to Marian Keyes.

Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult
I hate the ending. It made me cry. It made me think that the whole struggle in the book was useless. But this book made me realised one thing.

In her books, there would sometimes be a normal nuclear family. Mother, father, children. When one child is the matter of importance such as the suspect or the reason a lawsuit is happening, I usually end up hating the mother. Why?

Well, in this book, Willow has OI, a condition which makes her bones so easily breakable. The mother decided to sue the obstetrician due to money constraints. Fun thing is, its her best friend. The father disagrees. The mother gets all matryr like by struggling for her daughter, neglecting her older daughter who began cutting herself and developing bullimia. Let's not forget, they nearly divorced too.

For some reason, I just hate the mother. It reminded me so much of the mother in My Sister's Keeper. But all in all, this is a Jodi Picoult novel, hence I love it.





That is all for my reviews. I'm off to read Neil Gaiman's Stardust and Carolyn Hennesy's Pandora gets Jealous.

Confession No.30

I'm waiting for the moment where I can stand back and clap my hands while I look on at the mess

.

That Pre-Semester Post.

I'm starting classes on Monday, starting out my final year of uni (hears Mama's voice saying "Finally") which I'm sure would be challenging and full of self building last minute work because that's the way I do it.

I'll be moving in to a condo just beside uni, sharing a room with 3 other girls (I've only met one) while pretending I'm living independently. Its only a ten minute walk from my faculty and 4 minutes away from the bus stop for days where I got classes at the other end of the freaking campus.

To be honest, I'm kinda excited to start classes. Not because I love learning like Hermione Granger, but I'll welcome the distraction very much. I'm not sure if the place I'll be staying in has wireless but if not, then the much better it is. Don't worry, I'll still be coming home on weekends so I might blog about what pain my subjects are.

Speaking about subjects ...

I'm finally taking my last soul sucking Arabic course this semester. I managed a B+ last semester and I'm super proud of that.

There would be 7 subjects this semester, just like the past one. I'll be as mad as I was last semester. Hopefully, I'll study harder.


Now, why do I want the distraction? Well, remember the post where I mentioned how sad I was feeling? Well, there's no exact post (I think) where I wrote:

"I'm really sad."

But there were some that had sadness as the undertone. That sadness has gotten married to anger and had a child named bitterness. I'll taste the last emotion in my mouth when I wake up, my eyes brimming with the first emotion while my hands shook with the 2nd one.

It came to the point where I wasn't talking much to Mokesart for a week or more. No, he has nothing to do with it. In fact, he's the one who's been patient and being sad seeing me sad.

I got mad at some other people. Mama noticed how I was being low that she let me eat some of the delicious cooking chocolate.

Today, after getting better then plunging back down, I deactivated my Facebook, deleted my Tumblrs, deleted some other things and I feel a bit lighter. Just a tad.

Is there a specific reason? Yes. Will I tell about it on here? Not yet. No. I don't know. I might want things to mend itself but I'm not going to do it.

Here's to hoping classes would make me feel way way better than now.

Shopping for School. I'm Becoming a Girl. Damn.

On Monday, I went out with 2 of my friends with the intention of catching a movie, stuffing my face with food before shopping. It went well, until the bill came for our lunch. I came with just enough cash for movie and lunch because I thought to myself, I'll just withdraw money for the shopping part at the mall.

Guess who left her bank card in her old purse at home?

I pouted enough to make my friend offer another shopping trip.

Which was today. I brought my bank card. I told myself:

"Shoes. Cardigan."

(You may skip this shopping part if you want)

I got myself two pairs of shoes and a yellow mustard bag. Mama went:

"God almighty Hanis."

When I showed her the bag. It took me some time to find the bag since I had a specific length and shape of the bag in my head. Thank you ajim for being so patient with me. Yes, Mama will know you're the one who chose that colour.

I also spent the last of my voucher on stationaries. I got a balance of 60 cents after buying notebooks, pens, folders and some other things. How I wish I could have used it to buy myself a book.

But here's some pictures from my lunch on Monday. Its at Italiannies, I'm not sure if you guys have it over there. It was my first time there and I fell in love with it. I want more. I present you to you, pictures taken by my friend.

Look at that happy face. I just had the best mushroom soup ever. You can see the satisfied smile on my face.
This is some .. toasted bread with the most delicious tomato thing on it, ever. If I could live on one thing for 2 days, I'll choose this one.

My pasta which consists of fettuccine in a garlicky tomato sauce with olives, chilies and bits of bacon. It didn't look much but let me tell you, I was leaning back against my seat once I finished it.

My Writings, Stories.

Some of you might know of my other blog. My writing blog. Its called Glimpses and it has some(read: few) short stories that I wrote in my spare time. I share the blog with Mokesart who edits the story before hitting that "Post" button.

Sometimes, I bully him into leaving an editor's note. He knows I'll love him if he does that.

Last week, I found an old short story I wrote. I might have mentioned this, but most of my short stories are usually scenes of a longer story, a novel perhaps. More like, an excerpt of a novel. You might think that I've written that book, but no. I write scenes.

Today, I posted that old story, one playing on emotions. I've always gravitated towards stories of love lost and betrayal. Heartbreak. I think if I ever make a writing career for myself, there's a big chance I'll be that author who writes a collection of bittersweet/heartbreaking stories for women who needs a good cry or self pity.

Mokesart thinks I'll be shitty rich if that ever happens. I seem to agree with him. Haha. So, here's the story, yes, this is a promotion of my blog. Do go read and comment, I'll really appreciate it.

Love,

Confession No.29

And you come away with a great little story

Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

Speech, Where I'm Thanking People.

*taps microphone*

Is this on? *hears static*

*taps again*

Hello?

Oh, its on?

*clears throat*

*unfolds the piece of paper with my speech on it*

I would like to thank my dear friend Mamon, for letting me bunk in her room and bed for about 3 weeks. Without her gracious acceptance of my bed hogging ways, I would have been stuck studying less efficiently at home. I also appreciate the wonderful food you bought me when I was too freaking lazy to buy my own.

I would like to thank my parents for sending me to campus and picking me up, day in and day out. Without mentioning the gas rate or how much money is used for gas alone that particular week. Thank you also for your belief in me when I tell them I would never ever study productively at home.

*wipe tears*

Thank you to Bella for letting me bunk in her room between classes. For letting me come in at 6.40am while every other normal being is still sleeping.

Mokesart, without your "Go STUDY" everytime I come online for more than a certain amount of time during that critical 3 weeks, I would have stayed on and not study my ass off. I really appreciate your blind belief in me when you said I'm smart.

Thank you to various classmates who dealed with my texts out of nowhere, asking them the formula to some random shit. Thank you also for letting me snap at you because you didn't get what I was explaining. My sincere apologies.

Thank you to my lecturers for marking my papers with one eye closed. How else would I have achieved my results? *insert time for crowd's laughter* But seriously, thank you.

*folds the piece of paper*

Thank you for* clears throat *for the encouragement you gave me. I lost out in the end but I gained something else.

Oh yes, the important part, I got on the dean's list for the 2nd time in a row.

*fist pumps*

*blows kisses*

Writing Prompt: Lie

This is from a prompt that caught my eye. The moment I saw it, this scene came to mind. Do enjoy.

Her lips had a curve to them, as bitter as the coffee he favours. She tilted her head to the side, her eyes sliding over his features with harsh sadness.

"I thought you were over it."

The emotions dissapeared from her face with a shrug of her shoulders. She slide on the pair of sunglasses dangling from her fingers, effectively hiding herself.

"I lied."

The lone tear sliding down her cheek were proof she was telling the truth this time around.

Baking My Emotions.

Back in highschool, I went through an emotionally torturous month that involved a little adventure in anorexia. I knew I was in deep shit after I cried myself to sleep one night. The next day, I told Mama I feel like making brownies.

I remember adding chocolate chips into those brownies, creating a gooeyness that leaves people craving for more. I did everything myself from preparing the ingredients to cleaning up. By the time I took my first bite, I felt better. I was recovering from my troubles.

Few months later, I baked a chocolate cake during my first ever heart break.

Over the years, if I ever suddenly felt like baking/cooking its because I'm stressed. Sometimes I do it after finishing my finals. Sometimes, its because I'm emotionally fucked.

Last night, I made cookies. The day before, I made chocolate lava cakes. What does that say about my emotional state?

Session Three.

Things you like and dislike about yourself.

Right now, I can't think one thing I like about myself. I'm so full of self loathing that I can list out things that I just fucking hate about myself.

My name is Hanis and I like that everytime I feel like the scum underneath a plumber's boots at my very very worst , I'm able to get back up and be the person who I was before. It might take time but I'll be back to normal.

My name is Hanis and I dislike that there's something wrong in me. I dislike that I've been very sad for some time now and that I didn't even notice it (thank you studies for distracting me). I dislike how I'm not truely confident. I dislike my insecurity. I dislike that deep down, I'll choose to have beauty in exchange of my brains. The last thing I dislike about myself is liking guys that don't like me back.


Favourite place to shop at.

Bookstore of course. Or one of those drugstores that sell hand creams, facial wash, chocolates and so much more. I swear if I'm not spending money buying books or food, I'm buying lip balm or something.

What is your relationship status?

Is there even a relationship? Haha. I'm single. I just think that guys around me don't know a good deal when they see one.

I don't know if I like anyone at the moment. I did, few weeks back. It didn't even had the chance to see if it would work out or not, so meh. I think I might be over that. Yes, there was the process of getting over something that didn't even start. Heck, we didn't even get to put our shoes on, let alone step onto the starting line.

How I’d spend ten thousand bucks.

Let me confirm first, in what currency? Ok, let's just assume its in the highest one ( I don't even bother in checking which one is it). The first thing I'll do is invest 25% of it, put in 5% in my bank before going shopping. Hahaha.

I'll buy an airplane ticket, update my passport, get a freaking visa after making plans to stay with various friends in the US while trying to survive on their good deeds aka board and food.


If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

22. I don't know why but 22 seems like a nice age. I know, I might be prettier or even much better when I'm 32 but for now, my answer is 22.

Valentine, Blergh.

For the past few days, I've been jokingly asked some of my online friends to sign a make believe petition in cancelling what is perhaps one of the cheesiest, over-commercialised and unoriginal celebration to ever grace mankind.

Yes. Valentine's Day.

No, this has nothing to do with me being single because recently, I've come to accepted that I might just end up forever alone. I just see it as a chance to be the woman who can do whatever she wants.

This post should be put under a category with this post for the sole reason of my dislike of the cheesiness.

First of all, I don't get how people just fall for this whole bullshit. What makes me roll my eyes and throw up in my mouth is when some people make this one day the most romantic day for their relationship.

"I sooo can't wait for this year's Valentine. He told me he has something special planned."

Like, seriously? Please don't tell me you're freaking serious.

Let me tell you this.

Valentine's Day is so hyped up that most people gets carried away by it. That significant other of yours is probably just being romantic because he's been brainwashed by this celebration. He's not doing it because he was sitting there and then got this idea of appreciating/wooing you out of nowhere.

Nope.

Its not his initiative. No matter how original his date/idea is, you guys are just caught up with the Valentine's bug.


Like, honestly, I would prefer if James Franco my guy would take me on some kind of super romantic date sometime in November or June compare to sometime in February.

Be Careful What You Wish For.

I've seen this survey going around and wondered if anyone would tag me, but they didn't. So I made a wish and Boom, I've been tagged by two different people. I know. It took the life out of me to answer it all.


1. The Rules:
1.Post these rules;
2.Post 11 random things about yourself;
3.Answer the questions that tagger set for you in their post;
4.Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer; and
5.Go to their blog and tell them they've been tagged.

Mokesart

1.What was the worst thing you got caught doing at school?

In 5th grade, my homeroom teacher was the worst ever. She was a dragon. One
day, she got into a fit over people who didn't send in their homework. There were
about 6 of us. I was the last person to give my explanation. There I was, barely
eleven, watching as the 5 people in front of me tell her what is perhaps, the most
stupid reason I've ever heard.

"I lost my book."

Okay, one person tell her that? I accept it. But 5? I just thought to myself, I'll be
honest. So I told her that I forgot to do it.

2.Did you get punished for it?

Did I? I got a fucking bitch slap right across my face for being a good-for-nothing
student with no intention of studying. She then threw my book out of the classroom
and practically screamed at me to get my ass out of her class.

Can you imagine my reaction? The stupid woman accepted 5 students' lame "I lost
my book" but slapped me for my honest "I didn't do it."

From that moment, I cursed her. Few months later, her husband got transferred to
some war ridden country and we all danced in joy when she followed.

3.What occupation are you employed in/what career are you thinking about
taking up?

Hmm. I have no idea. God, I know, bad answer. But right now, I can't think of
anything I want to be. Well, let's just put aside what I'm studying.

4.Is there a point to space exploration?

Yes yes yes. I used to have this deep interest in astronomy. But then somehow, I got
into other things and here I'am, doing maths. One thing I'll say is that, if they even come up with affordable-ish space travel, I'll sign up.

5.What is your religious belief, or lack of, and why have you chosen it?

I'm Muslim. *blinks* I don't know how to answer. I know if I simply say "I was born into a family of Muslim." some would think that I have no rights blah blah. But its not like that for me. I honestly believe in my religion, let's leave it at that.

6.What number child are you, and how has the experience been for you?

I'm the first of two. There's an exaxt 7.5 year gap between me and my brother. I
think the age gap made me not act like most first borns aka a sense of
responsbility. But then, in caring for someone that young perhaps gave me more of
a sense of taking care. I have friends who think I'm an idiot for making chocolate
drinks/prepare food for my brother who's well in his teenage years.

Yes, there's a difference. But my taking care of people only applies to my brother xD

Growing up, my parents were strict and had tons of expectations. I now watch how
different they are with my brother. I often sigh and roll my eyes before telling my
parents how wrong they're doing it.

My years of an only child also made me self sufficient. In uni, I don't mind buying
food, eating, going to class by myself. I don't feel stared at. But, I'm still the shy young girl when it comes to making friends.

7.Do you have, or have you had, a nickname? If so, what, and why?

Erm. Not really. Hanis is short enough.

8.Do you have a phobia, and what is it?

Haha. I was just talking about this the other day. I don't have that severe of
phobias but enough to well, perhaps make me cry. I'm really really creeped out by
animals that has scales or sticky skin. You know, basically reptiles, fish and
amphibians. Once, a gecko landed on my bare arm, I screamed so loud before
crying as if I just had a finger chopped off.

What else?

Oh oh. I have a circle of personal space. Which makes riding a public transportation hell.

Day or night kind of person?

Hmmm. I don't stay up that late. I don't embrace the sun. I guess it depends on my
day and what I want to be done. You know? I guess, its a mix of both.

10.Do you speak more than one language?

Yes. Bahasa Melayu, English and right now, I'm learning arabic.

11.Are you artistic at all? (Music, film, drawing, photos, etc).

Does writing count?

PurpleMist

1. Have you ever shoplifted? If yes, then what did you steal?

We have coins all over the house, do I take even a dime? No. Mom gives me money to
buy things, I get change less than one ringgit. Do I keep it? No. So, I've never
shoplifted. I have this certain honesty when it comes to people's stuffs and things that don't belong to me.

2. How long can you hold your breath for?

Not for long. My lungs aren't that great which makes swimming a bit tiring for me at
times, yet I still enjoy it.

3. Are you a grammar nazi?

Only when I don't like that person. Or when I see "Your" and "You're" being mixed up. I don't have perfect grammar myself so I'm not really uptight about it.

4. What is the worst thing you have ever done to a friend?

I'm not going to answer this one. Hahahahaha. I wonder who can answer this with a straight face.

5. Do you think your life will change dramatically in 2012?

Maybe. I hope so. In a good way. I'm hoping for a good academic performace and an improving self esteem.

6. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Fall in love. Lose weight. Study. Write. Eat vanilla icecream with the hard chocolate
shell. I don't know. There's so many things to do. I just don't feel like it or there's no opportunity to. But the first one is bound to happen no matter what I do, right?

7. Do you take home the shampoos/soaps from hotels?

Thanks to Mama, I tend to bring mini versions of my own shampoos/soaps from home
whenever we're staying over at hotels. The only thing I get excited for in hotels is thefree toothbrush. So, no. I don't.

8. What is your biggest pet peeve?

I don't know. I'm trying to think of it. Perhaps people who don't know how to say
thank you. Or people who bumps into me and not say sorry.

9. Last movie you watched?

Journey 2 the Lost Island. Not counting the ones I watch on tv. If that, its Definitely, Maybe. I liked that one. Ryan Reynolds is so dreamy. I've been nursing a crush on him ever since his days on Two Guys and a Girl.

10. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

I like the old ones. Sound of Music, The King and I, Mary Poppins, Annie. But
definitely not High School Musical. That seems cheesy.

11. Favourite tv show or movie?

Friends. Top Chef. Bing Bang Theory. Private Chefs of Beverly Hills. Gene Simmons'
Family Jewels. Oh, you only want one? Well, I can't choose. Give me a day with these
shows showing on tv, I'll be having breakfast, lunch and dinner in front of the tv.


I think everyone I know has been tagged. So, I wish I could continue this, but I'll stop it here. Don't kill me.

Session Two.

What I want to be when I get older.

I want to be a writer. Or I want to be that woman who travels for leisure when she wants. The woman who bake wonderful things on her weekends off. The woman who doesn't need a man to feel oh so happy. Oh yes, in my mind, older is when I've started working.

Your opinion on cheating on people

This is a pickle. I don't know. If you ask me my opinion on polygamy, I'll give a loud "Hell no" but on cheating. Well. I'm a dramatic person. I see the way to react when you find out you've been cheated on is to throw things, be as passive agressive as you can and you know, just let it all out.

I don't think that as a way with holier-than-thou undertones because I can put myself in the cheater's shoes. Just to make it simple, be honest. Go for an open relationship if you can't handle it.

Future names of your children.

This is so easy. Let's just make the assumption I'll be having children sometime in the future. First of all, I'll be naming my daughter Alexandria which will be shortened to Xandria. I like the name Scarlette too but you know, I can just imagine her being teased as "The Scarlette letter" or "That Scarlette woman.

You know what I mean.

For my son, well. I have no idea. Seriously. I'll just leave that to my husband.

Last Awkward situation you were in

There's so many I can't remember? I have never like, labelled a situation as awkward in my mind so I can't even recall one single moment for this.

Silence.

There's this girl who just realised she has been very lonely and sad for some time now. Just that she had been distracted from facing it and the very distraction is perhaps the reason she's curling up in such sadness.

Her silent screams. Her tears. They were all about what she missed out. So she thinks.

Morning.

Due to Mama's idea of us having a family vacation, we'll be going to this waterpark resort place for a one night stay. I'm hoping to not get too tanned and that my fingers will get so wrinkly they'll look like those wrinkly shrivelled up cocktail sausages.

This past week, I've been dragged out of bed following Mama on her morning walk. I don't jog. I walk fast-ish. Why don't I jog? Well, until someone buys me a jogging bra, I'm not going to huff and puff while certain things get pulled down by gravity with every 40 steps or so.

We go to walk at this nearby stadium, every round of the track is around 400 meters and walking on that track at 7am kills me. I usually drag myself for the first round, get a bit warmed up by the 3rd round and by the 5th, I'll be delusional raving to go on until my legs feel like jelly. The average for me, so far is about 3km per walk.

Here's to me not losing interest in this walking lark.

Remember those 8 library books I borrowed? Well, the Jodi Picoult I borrowed is the first one she wrote and the first one that is oh-my-god so boring for me. I only read it till page 50 before telling Mokesart I'm moving on to the next book. Were there any interesting books? Well, no. I finished reading 4. The other 4, I couldn't force myself.

Hanis goes to living room.

"Okay, choose a number between one and six."

Mama: Four

Bro: One

Dad: One

*calculates in mind*

"Thank you."

Mama: What do you need it for?

"I just wanted to know which book I should read first."

So, here I'am with my copy of Lover Unleashed. In few minutes, I'll be back in the world of those vampires. I better go, they're calling me now.

Oh yes, I think I'll be setting some posts up, set up the time and date and voila. You get something to read.

Peace out.

This Song Reminds Me Of: Emotions

This song has two versions, one by the Bee Gees and the other is by Destiny's Child. The latter version reminds me of sad moments while the former one reminds me of Dad's love for the Bee Gees and abba.

Its over and done but the heartache lives on inside. and who is the one you're clinging to, instead of me tonight?

Thinking about it now, this song smacks of love gone wrong where only one half of the relationship is still clinging on. It speaks (to me) of someone pining for an ex, who has clearly moved on. The words tell me of someone who tries to look strong in front of the former lover but breaks down into tears when they're all alone, every single detail replaying in their mind.

How do I even know this? I'm not the Communication arts student *coughs*Mokesart*coughs*. Its purely because like nearly every other person, certain songs act like a time machine.

My tummy hurts right now just by remembering how pitiful I was back then. God, I feel like smacking myself with a dead flounder right on the face. I was young, that's my normal excuse. If someone asked, I'll just shrug and tell them I was at a bad place for that few weeks.

Cry me a river, that leads to your ocean. You'll never see me fall apart, in the words of a broken heart, its just emotions taking me over

I felt that this song was made especially for me. Everytime I was touching the gates of "moving on", I'll get pushed back by something as cruel but simple as a short conversation with him. Once, I was driving and this song came on and before I knew it, I was singing along to it with such feeling that I was crying without realising. It must have been a sight at the red light for the car beside me.

Of course, it took me few months before I could listen to this song without bursting into tears and self pity. But I'm better now, just with a good memory.

Nobody left in this world to kiss me goodnight.

Confession No.28

I'm Han Solo.