That Beauty Video.

I have watched this particular video few times. And every single time I will get all teary eyed.  I get reminded on how I judge myself. Of how some insignificant people judged me.  And of the words from caring friends I always take with a spoonful of salt. 

But, as one of the video's participants had said:

"I have come a long way, but it seems that I still need to work on myself a bit. "

Remembrance Series:Two.

I remember the first taste of being in love. It was cliche, plucked from the romance novel with the way my heartbeat echoed in my ears. It slowed time down. It burned the moment in my mind, making it as clear as it is today as it was 83 months ago.

A Book Judged By Its Cover.

Its been 3 years and 3 days since things ended between No.3 and I. Its also been 3 years and 3 days of my constant struggle in building up my self worth.

I have stumbled and fall flat on my face so many times. I pick myself up every time, dusting off dirt and wiping away blood before trying to walk the walk again.

Over the years I have done well in convincing myself that I'm awesome. I have done well academically, and did things I never thought possible.

I have had my heart mangled few times, and somehow it still retained its shape.

But if there is one part of my attempt that I still nearly fail at, is my confidence with my looks.

I tell friends that they should not be with shallow people. I tell friends that they're beautiful. I tell myself I'm gorgeous.

I fake the tilt of my chin when a guy finds me lacking in looks. I laugh off my insecurities but let them control me as I cry in the shower.

I let that voice, who loves telling me how ugly I am, to serenade me in bed.

I have felt good about myself for few months now, smiling and being confident at work.

Until I read something that perhaps was written with me in mind. Or not. But it reminded me that that particular thought has gone through some guy's head in the past about me.

I felt hurt. I cried so hard that I was unable to articulate a single word. I was reminded of the rejections. I sat on the shower floor, eyes swollen with the prospect of being alone.

But I have friends, who held my hand. One tried to explain the situation to me logically, telling me he will be there no matter what. Another told me to list out my good qualities. And they helped.

Even as I stare out of the train's window, those cruel words in mind, I remember my good qualities.

I'm not giving myself a fake sense of self worth. But I do know that mine is more than what No.3 ever deserved.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Remembrance Series : One.

I remember the bitter taste of my first cup of coffee. It was black that turned a murky brown after four sachets of creamer. It was lukewarm. It soothed my frazzled nerves. It swirled inside as I ran in the rain. It swirled as I fell asleep for the first time in 96 hours.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Confession No. 56

If I have to define you by only one segment of yourself, I would do it with no hesitation. If I were to write you a love letter at my closure of you, it would be short. If I was to talk about you at an older age, it would be done with a shrug and half of a smile.

The deep tenor of your voice.

What is a chance, other than breaking the stereotype of you?

You proved that the inside only sweetens the outside.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Gonna Make Some Moolah.

I'm currently under a program known as FSTEP or Financial Sector Talent Enrichment Program which is a one year program under the Central Bank of Malaysia. Participants are sponsored by financial institutions as well as receiving a substantial monthly allowance from their sponsor. 

After a year, the aim is to be absorbed into our sponsor and after that we will go through probation. I'm currently the only sponsor for a bank called Agrobank and boy, I feel special (not).

For more info, google the program. 

The reason I had to buy a powersuit is for the soft skill classes. Sadly, I need to send it in for some minor alterations. There will be a variety of classes in the next six months and internship for the remainder of the year. 

So yeay Hanis. I'm more excited for the English class conducted by the British Council. 

Tuesday Thoughts.

Peek of Future Doings.

Who can guess what I'm wearing ?

This is a sneak peek to a future post regarding what I'm currently doing . Hint: I get paid at the end of every month.