Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Book Judged By Its Cover.

Its been 3 years and 3 days since things ended between No.3 and I. Its also been 3 years and 3 days of my constant struggle in building up my self worth.

I have stumbled and fall flat on my face so many times. I pick myself up every time, dusting off dirt and wiping away blood before trying to walk the walk again.

Over the years I have done well in convincing myself that I'm awesome. I have done well academically, and did things I never thought possible.

I have had my heart mangled few times, and somehow it still retained its shape.

But if there is one part of my attempt that I still nearly fail at, is my confidence with my looks.

I tell friends that they should not be with shallow people. I tell friends that they're beautiful. I tell myself I'm gorgeous.

I fake the tilt of my chin when a guy finds me lacking in looks. I laugh off my insecurities but let them control me as I cry in the shower.

I let that voice, who loves telling me how ugly I am, to serenade me in bed.

I have felt good about myself for few months now, smiling and being confident at work.

Until I read something that perhaps was written with me in mind. Or not. But it reminded me that that particular thought has gone through some guy's head in the past about me.

I felt hurt. I cried so hard that I was unable to articulate a single word. I was reminded of the rejections. I sat on the shower floor, eyes swollen with the prospect of being alone.

But I have friends, who held my hand. One tried to explain the situation to me logically, telling me he will be there no matter what. Another told me to list out my good qualities. And they helped.

Even as I stare out of the train's window, those cruel words in mind, I remember my good qualities.

I'm not giving myself a fake sense of self worth. But I do know that mine is more than what No.3 ever deserved.


Launna said...

Hanis, I walk this tight rope too... I tell myself I am beautiful but in the next breath I think if I was.... would I have lost my D?... Maybe if I wasn't fat, wasn't scarred?.. Especially since there was NO reason we didn't make it, we had so much in common... we are still very close...

I am working on getting to the point that maybe my D didn't deserve me...

It sure sounds like NO. 3 didn't deserve you... :/

Laila N Mysis said...

I second Launna :/ There are times that I feel notgood, most of the time I make myself just not care, and there are some exceptional times I feel awesome. But no matter how bad or good I feel, I always know that Someone, maybe Many People, will not find me beautiful, physically. Really. You can't impress everyone. You can only be super nice (and you are), and you know, just like there are people that find you unattractive, there are people that'll find you attractive.

And you know, whether they find you pretty on the outside or not, taking it up with the 'judging a book by its cover' thing, the only kind of people who deserve you are the ones that appreciate you on the inside the most, right?

For the record, I think you're beautiful. I'm not Just Saying That, I mean, it - though I guess there's no way to prove it, I'm serious :/

Maryam A. said...

I swear I can relate to this post so much.

But keep in mind that in long run, the thigh gaps and collar bones wont make us successful. Its the space between our ears that matters the most. I tell that to myself every now and then, and trust me, it works!

Insomnicalthoughts said...

Theres so pain in this post I can feel, it makes my heart hurt and brings tears to my eyes but somehow you have managed to get through everyday and stand out happy as a whole... you inspire me.


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