Monday, February 16, 2015

Night of 15th February.

I dreamt of you. After that first conversation twenty three months ago. It has been quite some time that I shed tear at the thought of you. In fact, been quite some time I had any emotions over the thought of you. Apart from the usual "God, why is he so beautiful?" whisper in my head when I see a picture of you.

I dreamt that I was waiting for you. Not waiting for you to come to me, but for me to obtain closure. To look you in the eyes, smile and thank you for the inspiration you unknowingly gave my muse. No mention  of how I used to curl up from emotional pain over a guy I have never met in person. No mention of how I once thought you were perfect. No mention of the bad and ugly side that lays hidden under the rock.

I dreamt that I had nerves made of steel as I stood in front of the door, watching the people leaving the building. I had my phone in my hand, fingers gripping the sides as I told myself to not run away. My eyes were torn between searching for you and looking at the ground. Oh I was scared to my bones, scared of the reaction on your face.

I dreamt that I missed you. That you have taken another route. Despair filled the holes in my soul as I gave up. My shoulders sagged with dissapointment as closure had escaped my grasp. I walked to a bus stop, fingers digging into my palms as I wonder if I could dig up enough courage for another attempt in the future.

I dreamt that we saw each other at the same time. Your brows dipped slightly as you stared at me, recognition dawning. My breath got caught in my throat, held back the vowels of your name. Your lips quirked upwards slightly before you said my name.

"I was looking for you."

"You were?"

"At the .. front door."

"And here I am."

I dreamt that you were so beautiful.

I woke up.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Still Whole, Just Crumbles.

I don't like giving up on people. Some would say I am shameless or just don't get a hint.

I believe in 2nd and 3rd chances.

I believe that people can change their minds.

But sometimes, when it is just you who keeps messaging first it gets tiring. When its always you who suggests an outing, you feel a bit hurt after a while and wonder if the agreement was because of pity/boredom and not actual interest.

Sometimes, there are no replies to seen messages.

Sometimes, I delete the conversation and tell myself to ignore them. Most of the time, I fail.

And once in a while, after all that I have tried and dejection felt, I just delete the number. And wait to see if they would message me.

Sometimes, they don't.

Sometimes, I can just feel the disinterest buzzing from those signs I have read about in articles.

And I feel that tingle of pain. And wonder, if its my fault.


So, I finally give up. They might not notice or they might with a "Finally". But for those who do reach out to me, with even the most feeble attempt, I grip back.

Sometimes being me is a door to a world of hurt. And I wonder why haven't I crumble into pieces.

After Hong Kong.

Good morning Malaysia.

I am currently at my desk in the office. 24 hours ago, I was still in Hong Kong and busy trying to cram everytime into my luggage.

I was in Hong Kong for 5 days 4 nights and it was fun. Here are some observations:

1. Google Maps is very very helpful. Trust me on this.

2. The train system is amazing.

3. If you like beauty products, you would go crazy seeing all the Sasa stores.

4. Halal food is available, but most are of the South Asia type, with some Arab food. I have no idea what's the usual price range for non halal food but the halal ones are quite pricey.

5. So, bring lots of bread, biscuits, tuna spread, instant noodles and so on.

I shall go in more details after I finish my Istanbul posts which is taking time because the pictures are in my brother's computer and its hard to choose and copy and paste using my phone.

Hong Kong posts, will be more helpful as in directions wise and so on.

Okay, time to not fall asleep.


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