Remembrance Series: Seven

I remember my first taste of pecan butterscotch cake. It was crunchily sweet. It was creamily salty. It warmed my skin from the artificial coolness. It shaded my eyes from the afternoon sun. It was the last thing I had before a hiatus of 36 months in a friendship I truly adore.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Confession No. 57

I have been checking. For months. 

Nothing. 

Now, that is a hint that I have never crossed your mind. 

Teaser- Birthday.

Remembrance Series: Six.

I remember the first taste of perfection. It was something with a 0.00000000001 chance of happening. It took my breath away. It made me full of glee. It haunted my dreams. It proves that once you had a taste of perfection, everything else pales in comparison.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Happy 3rd Year of Blogging.

Three years of blogging. Three wonderful, slightly chaotic years. The last year has seen me going through:

1. Stressful moments aka my final year project, my finals, my attempt at a professional paper and handling group members.

2. A mega book shopping trip. 20 books at one go? And to be repeated again in few months' time.

3. Going to Medina and Mecca for the third time, and feeling so grateful and in peace there.

4. Compile a collection of short stories and poems.

5. Feeling used.

6. Felt really mad at someone.

7. Met someone who showed me that ideal in my head does exist.

8. Go into a ball of despair, and found myself aching for something that will never be mine.

9. Write oh so many poetry, all emotional.

10. Write a dedication

11. Went through the whole job searching phase.

12. Earned my first salary.


Here's to another year of blogging.

Remembrance Series: Five.

I remember my first taste of sushi. It was a late dinner, a circle on the floor. It was on clearance price. It became a way for me to feel at ease with myself. It became synonymous with the whispering of secrets. It was 72 hours after being told that my friendship is worth so little.

Tuesday Thoughts.

A Lil Debate.

Earlier this week we had to debate as our class activity in the afternoon. It started from the fact that the last chapter in our Advanced Business Result book was entitled Persuasion.

That day's activity was interesting, where we had to convince someone of something and try to sell something to another. Yes, this is the British Council class. Before the lunch break our instructor told us that we will do a debate, and everyone had to speak.

The class was divided into two and my group chose to do .... Euthanasia. I was in the For part so during lunch we read up some pdf and made notes and they aka my team mates said I will do the rebut.

Let me tell you guys something about debates. It gets personal for me. Especially if I actually believe in the topic. Which is why I took Public Speaking as an elective, instead of Debate.

So, Euthanasia. For me, the only arguments against it are either religion based or human rights based. And being me, I managed to give a rebut taken from the opposition's rebut.

1. Everyone has a different level of tolerance against pain. The doctor doesn't know if the patient is withstanding the pain or not. Hence, we might end the life of someone who is actually not in agonising please-kill-me pain.


Seriously. I can see the flaw in that from the word tolerance. I simply said that yes, everyone is different but its the person who is feeling the pain. Not the doctor. Not the family members. Who are we to say no to a patient in a dire situation?


2. The religion angle.

My defense on this was about how I believe that every religion is the same in terms of wanting their believers to be decent people. But what is decent about letting someone suffer in pain, watch them beg and not do anything about it (this does not include medicine and treatment. I mean this after all of that has been done and still, the pain is there).

I saw some classmates in the other group nodded at that. My hands were shaking after I said my piece. When the instructor asked the other group to vote, we got a whopping 9 out of 11 votes because our points were more convincing.

The other group debated on same sex marriage. It was interesting.

Now, I know some of you might have been disagreeing with what I have said but as my friend said, a debate is rarely right and wrong. It is about the points and how they were said.

Remembrance Series: Four.

I remember the first taste of falling in love. It was rare as I usually find myself in love, end of process. It felt like driving in the fast lane at midnight. It was mysterious, scary and thrilling. It was just as the books said. It was 14 days before the adrenaline dried up.

Tuesday Thoughts

I Leave a Handwritten Letter for You.

For some reason, I wrote this by hand . 

Maybe I want you to read it. 

Maybe I just don't want to make it so clear. 

Maybe I just want you to make a bit of an effort. 

Maybe you will give up. 

Or ask me yourself. 

Remembrance Series: Three.

I remember the sweet taste of my first subway cookie. It was as big as my palm, warm from the oven. It had gooey chocolate chips, a taste of heaven. It was 168 hours before I was told how physically unappealing I was.

Tuesday Thoughts.

To Write My Heart Out.

I want to write my heart out, to draw the nuances of your voice, to sketch the heavy warmth of your limbs, to scribble every tiny movement, to articulate the shape of your frown, and to paint the way you hunch over your words, ever so protectively.

That Beauty Video.

I have watched this particular video few times. And every single time I will get all teary eyed.  I get reminded on how I judge myself. Of how some insignificant people judged me.  And of the words from caring friends I always take with a spoonful of salt. 

But, as one of the video's participants had said:

"I have come a long way, but it seems that I still need to work on myself a bit. "

Remembrance Series:Two.

I remember the first taste of being in love. It was cliche, plucked from the romance novel with the way my heartbeat echoed in my ears. It slowed time down. It burned the moment in my mind, making it as clear as it is today as it was 83 months ago.

A Book Judged By Its Cover.

Its been 3 years and 3 days since things ended between No.3 and I. Its also been 3 years and 3 days of my constant struggle in building up my self worth.

I have stumbled and fall flat on my face so many times. I pick myself up every time, dusting off dirt and wiping away blood before trying to walk the walk again.

Over the years I have done well in convincing myself that I'm awesome. I have done well academically, and did things I never thought possible.

I have had my heart mangled few times, and somehow it still retained its shape.

But if there is one part of my attempt that I still nearly fail at, is my confidence with my looks.

I tell friends that they should not be with shallow people. I tell friends that they're beautiful. I tell myself I'm gorgeous.

I fake the tilt of my chin when a guy finds me lacking in looks. I laugh off my insecurities but let them control me as I cry in the shower.

I let that voice, who loves telling me how ugly I am, to serenade me in bed.

I have felt good about myself for few months now, smiling and being confident at work.

Until I read something that perhaps was written with me in mind. Or not. But it reminded me that that particular thought has gone through some guy's head in the past about me.

I felt hurt. I cried so hard that I was unable to articulate a single word. I was reminded of the rejections. I sat on the shower floor, eyes swollen with the prospect of being alone.

But I have friends, who held my hand. One tried to explain the situation to me logically, telling me he will be there no matter what. Another told me to list out my good qualities. And they helped.

Even as I stare out of the train's window, those cruel words in mind, I remember my good qualities.

I'm not giving myself a fake sense of self worth. But I do know that mine is more than what No.3 ever deserved.

Tuesday Thoughts.