Thursday, March 7, 2013

Everybody's Looking for Something.

Alright. Music player on, ear plugs in. Thoughts flowing.

Oasis- Wonderwall

When I was 17, I was pretty sure of who I was. Then I went into uni and met with so many different people that I began to doubt who I was just because I did not fit in with any of those known groups. I made friends, but I never revealed the whole of me to a single one of them.

Most of them saw the bookworm, who loves to eat. A handful knew of that very short fuse of mine and they also knew that is why I often hold indifference to things around me. Just so I won't lose control.

It was about last year that I met that 17 year old girl again. So sure and confident of who she is. I learned that I no longer care about keeping friendships that make me sad. I learned that you can tell me that I'm the ugliest being in the world and I won't mind. Why? Because I used to tell myself worse things and I no longer believe those. Even when its kinda obvious I'm being overlooked, due to some physical shit, I tell myself this:

I'm gorgeous. I believe I'm gorgeous, therefore I'm gorgeous.

Justin- Cry Me a River

I have grown confident, and began to believe the above mantra. I told myself I have an amazing personality and if anyone is not willing to spend time with me, they are missing out, big time.

Yesterday, someone told me I was a future wreck. They also told me I have plenty of issues and that I clearly have no respect for myself because I'm overweight. They also said, I should get myself checked because if I don't, I'll be bipolar by the time I'm 50 due to the lack of a man's attention.

Between the lines? I'm physically, mentally and emotionally so unattractive that it is no surprise that I'm single.

Did I cry? Yes.

Did I believe them? At first.

Adele- Skyfall

It went on for nearly an hour, and it even went to said that the way I went on about my education is wrong. I snapped, I cut off contact and went to cry on the couch. That breathless gasps, shaking shoulders and an acid burn in the heart. It was major heartbreak all over again, this time without any love involved.

I'm better now, thanks to Mokesart and another friend. The person might have said it to help me, but it didn't. He could have been right about a small matter, but it does not justify the rest. Instead of wanting to flip him the bird, I want to thank him because it makes me respect myself even more.

Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams

From now, I won't be sad unless I let myself be. Or one of those Disney/Pixar movies.


Mark said...

I'm glad that you didn't let that get to you for too long. It's a shame someone would say that to you as well. Although really I think you'll be fine if you'll be insane by fifty. That's years away.

Laila N Mysis said...

(Sorry for the continuous reappearances of the shocked face)

Somebody said that to you? Really? Clearly shows what a piece of sunshine they are.

I like your Hanis-is-Gorgeous mentality. Keep that up. Never mind that carrot.

Talitha said...

They probably did that because they had something worse thrown at them.
You go back and sing 'Wonderful Me' right in their faces girl!
And yeah,Happy Women's Day.:)

AZ said...

Hanis,You want to know a funny story? Please do hear it......
I'm slim, very slim, a near size zero and girls keep asking me about my diet and when I tell them I eat whatever I want they think I'm lying and I can see it in their eyes that they think I'm fake and have to constantly face eye rolls. I'm slim and naturally so is my chest, which is why every single guy has given me one look and shoved me aside. Do you know what it's like to go to a party to have every girl and guy ignore you because of body presumptions? I'm sure you do even though we are opposite types and ideally I'm not supposed to be the one with the self image issues. I have a dark complexion and as a south asian girl that is a crime because no one will marry me, my mother fears this, she keeps telling me I am beautiful but I know under all that she's afraid I'll end up alone. I have glasses and loved to read, but I was mocked at by my friends and called a dork since grade 1 to 8, 7 years of my life I battled against other people's laughter only to give in. The result? My grades fell and now I'm behind everyone in college. After reading your story I can tell that you can't help but build certain defense mechanisms, and the very people who mocked you and forced you to create those mechanisms still mock you because that's their defense, belittling others to hide their flaws and fears. They simply have no depth in their eyes to look at a person beyond his/her walls and it leaves them without compassion. Don't expect the valuable gift of understanding from those who are ignorant to other people's struggle

I'm sorry if this was too long but I just had to say it.


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