Sunday, March 24, 2013

Patient, You Shall Know.

My love for reading is quite known, among my friends and family. Among people who have had enough time to talk to me. I read when I have the spare time to, when I don't. I read before I fall asleep and pick up the book again when I wake up.

I read and reread. I sometimes take my sweet time, knowing that those unread books won't run away. I read the Harry Potter books as if the words are being deleted as I read every single one of them. I let myself be consumed by the story. I let myself read from a distance, not hooked to a certain character.

I laugh, I cry, I fall in love.

But, never have I read books the way I'm doing now. The stack of books I bought in December, I'm going through them when I'm not reading an ebook I downloaded. In the past 3 weeks, I have read 8 books. I read them mostly at night. From after dinner till I go to bed, I'll be in my room with the radio turned on and a book in hand.

I get consumed by some. I cried when a character cut herself. I giggled when another got asked out by the dashing man. I felt so many emotions from reading those words just because I'm tired of facing my own. Its not fear, but just reluctance. When I read, I stop hearing that voice in my head.

Yes, the voice is back after its debut way back in 2006. How did that end? I had a breakdown, a heart break and went through a self hate phase so badly that I became quite the actor. No one noticed. Hurrah.

I wrote a lot during that time. Read as if my life depends on knowing the plot. And one day, that wretched voice decided to pack its bags and took the next plane to some holiday destination with no return ticket.

But what am I so stressed about now? 

I'm .. tired of what some people think of me. I'm tired of being that person they think I am. I'm so tired of trying to fit into that being. No matter what, I'll never be that person and because of that, the voice is telling me I'm a failure.

Its carving out tiny chunks from an already fragile self esteem and god, my heart is helping. Such a traitor. 

For the third was unwanted. And oh it hurts like a paper cut.

I want to heap all the blame on those people. And some of them do deserve it. But, I can't undo things, right? If I can, I would undo only one thing. Prevent the third. I was perfectly happy before that.

As I read all those books, as I read the sadness, the happiness, the arrogance of it all, I made a plan. And I really really hope it would go as planned. If it does, I would be free of that voice. I would finally be allowed to be who I am. 


And when that happens, the third would eventually be forgotten.


Mark said...

You mention Harry Potter and you should remember that he wasn't really everything people thought he was. Or he never thought of himself like that. You can't be who people expect you to be and who they think you are but that doesn't make you a failure. The only person you have to impress and the only person whose standards you need to live up to are yours.

AZ said...

You can't stop people's thoughts. They'll say things, if they can't they'll think them. You'll never be out of criticism, if even historical people are scrutinised you think you'll be safe from thoughts that slash through your soul like a sword through flesh?
People's expectations don't matter, your own happiness matters. You get one life to be happy, ONE, not two not nine ONE. People can go suck it. Don't fit yourself, trust me, you'll fit yourself and then you'll lose edges and bits until you'll be something you don't recognise. You do not want to wake up one day and not recognise your own self in the mirror, it's a horrible thing.
I can say much more, except the comment is getting long XD
read more, there's nothing wrong with that atleast you aren't into drugs


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