Ten Minutes to Midnight.

I wrote this last night while being so sleepy. So excuse the sentences/mistakes. The first exam went okay-ish. I hope.

Its 29 minutes to midnight, 29 minutes to Saturday. 9 hours and 29 minutes to my first paper.

My body is so exhausted that I spent the last 90 minutes reading my notes, muttering to myself the 11 steps of the Directed Data Mining Methodology. I've lived on 8 hours of sleep since Wednesday. No, I didn't spent the rest studying. Well, half were spent studying/discussing/wishy washy around with my notes in front of me.

Its become routine for me to wake up at 8-8.30 in the morning. Read, write notes while taking frequent short breaks by playing Peggle or watching 5 minutes from an episode of House.

I haven't talked to Mokesart since Monday night. He's been MIA, I've been studying with such a lack of good internet connection. Let me give you a recap on how my week went so far.

Monday: Woke up at 8.30, studied/watched House, spend time in library for about 4 hours, have dinner, study then sleep.

Tuesday: Holed myself up in my room, studying/watching House/play games.

Wednesday: Studied in the morning, went to study with friends in Starbucks. I was really hungry for my first meal at 3pm so I bought an Iced combination from Krispy Kreme. Did you know that they got some donuts that aren't overly sweet?
Had dinner, go back, studied.

Thursday: Woke up at 8, was at library by 10.30 before having lunch at 3.30. Stayed till closing time at 6 (I fully believe that libraries should be 24-Hours). Got back to room at 10 minutes to 7. And then, went to another library at 8. Stayed till 12, went for late late dinner and was in bed at 3.

Friday: Woke up at 7.55, cried "I neeed more sleeeep" into my pillow before getting ready. Went breakfast with friends, arrived at library at 10. Had lunch. Discussed topics. Starbucks' Happy Hour, my Dark Mocha was half price. No, I'm not wide awake. Had dinner of Naan bread. And here I'am.

Ten minutes to midnight.

Tuesday Morning.

Usher is crooning "I'm your man, you're my girl, I'm gonna tell the whole wide world" in my ear as I sit here, 20 mins to 9am of Tuesday. Beside my laptop is the pile of books I'm becoming a slave to. Oh how I wish its a pile of books by J.R. Ward, Stephen King and Marian Keyes instead of "Survival Models and Their Estimation", the answer guide to that book and my notebook.

I've started mentally counting the hours I spend studying everyday though I know that its the quality, rather than the quantity as proven by last semester. Which just reminds me of the heavy expectation on my shoulders. My parents haven't said anything but from their casual questions on my exam schedule, I know what they're hoping.

Trust me, I have my pride pushing me on.

Beside me is a mug of instant coffee, luke warm and just waiting for my first sip, unlike the half empty bottle of mineral water. Hah, just proven to you guys that I'm the half empty glass kinda person.

I'll be going to the library today, study and discuss with friends. Then after dinner, I'll try to put in some more hours. Unlike the popular method of students, I don't stay up late to study. If I do, I'll be sleeping till noon, wasting the day and messing up my body's schedule. So I had to turn down a friend's invitation of studying all night at the library with her and another friend.

"You got brown eyes, like no one else."

The coffee is bitter and milky in my mouth. Perhaps I should start studying a bit, before I get the call that we're going to the library.

That Pain.

I honestly don't envy the people who goes through life never feeling that way. To never feel that hopeful pain which in my opinion, belongs to the list of things that changes someone. Perhaps, it will make you feel pathetic but then, in the long run it might just make you grow up a bit more.

I've grown up plenty the past year.

Confession No.37

For I have not known,

Temptation till now.

Oh, You're So Modest.

"Oh you're just being modest."

Modesty is something sensitive. If you don't be all modest, you're seen as cocky. If you overdo it, its really annoying and borders with holier-than-thouness.

I've known this girl who praised me to the sky when I got high marks for a test, but when she's one of the highest she goes on how it was just luck and that it took her double the effort to get those marks.

The same thing goes for nearly every single test and I'm told that I'm rich when I buy a new book.

It smacked of something icky and it was annoying as hell.

I've known people who really grabbed onto their "weakness" and squeeze the self pity juice out of it.

Like, how they didn't score a well for a subject.

"You know me, I'm dumb when it comes to so and so."

Or how they don't have the fucking stupid standard of Asian beauty aka fair skin.

"I'm so dark."

To the first, I pffted and rolled my eyes, telling them they're crap.

To the second, I told them that Akon is dark. Black, if you must. And that being fair skinned doesn't mean you're pretty.

Oh, but isn't this a bit of Hanis being a hypocrite?

I've said to Mokesart numerous times of me being ugly/fat/not so pretty but let me tell you, its not me being "modest". Its me being realistic of how fucked up the society is.

When I say "Who wants to be my boyfriend?" it doesn't mean I'm feeling self pity. It means that I pity the guys who's missing out this fine piece of specimen.

Even though I can say that I'm gorgeous, amazing, wonderful and a total great catch, I still get my down phases but still, I don't go all "humble" on your asses.

And when I do, Mokesart is ready to give me a cyber smack on the back of my head. (Yes, this is sappy-ish)

And when I go "I can't do this subject, I'm going to faillll!!"

It is just me being dramatic and panicky. I know I'm smart enough and when I fail, its usually due to my laziness and super bad time management.

So, stop being so "modest", be realistic.

Stop your self pity, pity the people who don't see your amazingness.

*bows*

Untitled Story.

Due to being busy + shitty internet + still feeling sick, I'm making up for it with this short story I wrote. I'll be blogging this weekend, hopefully. I plan to show you my schedule for the upcoming month. So, do read, comment and if you're nice, read my old posts.




The Doctor.


The clock's ticking was the only sound in the office. The man behind the desk was reading the last entry he wrote in the log book he had on his desk. The salt and pepper fringe over his forehead didn't hide the line between his brows, or the worry in his eyes. He pressed a button on the telephone.

"Can you cancel the rest of my appointments for the week Miss Green?"

"Very well Doctor."

You pay my salary, you get whatever you want.

His last client had somewhat took the breath out of him barely 30 minutes ago. It was a man in his early 30's, full of denial of the tragic event that fell on him 3 months ago. So the Doctor thought from the moment he first met the man 3 weeks ago until 30 minutes ago.

He was unaware. Surprised. Shocked. The way his eyes widened when the Doctor had asked him in the most gentle manner of how he was coping with the death.

"What death Doctor?"

Oh denial.

"Your wife's."

The words were half whispered but the effect was physically seen. Hurt. Shock. His head had swivelled to the left, his lips trembling.

"You're not dead."

The Doctor taught it was meant for him but when his client went into a conversation with an unseen person beside him, the Doctor knew.

The Man

"That man is out of his mind."

He had went on about the sanity, the professionalism, the validity of the Doctor's license from the moment he had stormed out of the office, into the car before driving back home at an unreasonable speed.

Beside him, the woman stared out of the window with sadness in her eyes. Her fingers curled around the edges of her knees as the car slowed down and swerved into their driveway.

"I should complain about him to the Board."

He killed the engine, muttering darkly as he went to open the passenger door, not noticing how pale his wife was as he led her into their house. Their sanctuary.

Taking off his jacket, the man hung it on a hook with an air of determination. He's going to go into his study and get the Doctor's license revoked. Then, he'll take his lovely wife out for an early dinner.

Its been a long time since they've went out. Since the terrible loss they experienced.

"I'm going to make some calls."

"Don't."

'I won't let him get away with what he said today."

"But he was telling the truth."

Lies, all lies.

The Wife

She stood at the doorway of the study they shared. Two big desks facing each other in front of the big window. The only light came from the streetlights outside, the room as dark as her husband's denial.

He had sat behind his desk for the past hour, occasionally muttering under his breath. His face still had that stricken look from her words. When he spoke, he sounded like death.

"When did you.. when did it happened?"

"3 months ago. The miscarriage."

"But I thought they said you'll be okay."

"I lost too much blood."

She had woken up, fully aware that things had changed. Wondering why she didn't move on to the other side until she saw her husband sitting beside her bed. He had smiled at her and her heart broke. She knew what he didn't.

So she had stayed with him for 3 months, telling him she took off time from work to cope with losing the baby. He in turn, had decided they needed to see the Doctor for some counselling.

When you're in denial, you ignore so many obvious clues.

In the two heartbeat of silence, she knew what his mind is thinking.

"I can't stay much longer."

The pained nod her husband gave made the tear run down her cheek.

With June Comes Planning.

Finals is starting end of this month, up to mid of July. Then on the 21st, the holy month of fasting will start which means that for the first time in my 23 years, my birthday is during a fasting month.

Right now I'm just thinking how much information I need to cram, understand and absorb. I'm feeling a heavier burden compared to last semester. God.

This time around the schedule is not as insane as before. No 3 papers in a row. No cramming in 5 papers in 10 days. I'm thankful for that but still, I need to set up my studying schedule. What subject to study when. This might seem silly to others but for me, its done to stop me from panicking.

You know, the panicking where you feel like there's plenty of other topics in other subjects for you to study. But then if you want to study another subject, you realised that you know shit on the one you're currently trying to study. BOOM.

That is how, boys and girls, I once found myself curled up in a blanket, crying that I'll fail. (Well, I did but that's like in my dark diploma days)

Yes, I do offer my services in helping you plan your studying. Haha. For a fee of a book.

Talking of books, I try to not buy any a month before finals in order to motivate myself in getting through those exams. But then, this is when there's this bookstore holding a stock clearance sale. While another is selling books for half the normal price. God, why now?

With that, I end this post with my normal welcoming of a new month.

How My Days Went.

I had such plans for this one week holiday. Such grand self enjoying plans.

I was going to watch a movie, write up some notes, blog plenty and finish up some assignments. But as they say about the best laid plans, it didn't go that way.

After taking care of a sickly brother, it was perhaps the most logical thing to happen. I fell sick myself. I was feverish, experincing pain in every single muscle and joint, coughing and even got a bit hallucinating the first night.

I got better but that was just the meds because I got sick again. And before I knew it, its nearly the end of my week off.

*sheds tear*

Oh well, here's a funny story that made Mokesart laughed. Yesterday in the car, my brother changed to his playlist from the radio. Which led to me whining to change it back. He then told me that he'll change it back if I can sing along to one of the songs.

His playlist = Eminem, Linkin Park etc.

He clearly thinks I only know Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and One Direction.

So Mama laughed so hard when I managed to sing to Eminem's Lose Yourself and Papa Roach's Scar.

Word of advice: If you want to win, choose songs that weren't hitting the airwaves often.

Now, its my 3rd nap time of the day.

Adios.