Rainy 30th March.

Confession No. 50

Dear Life,

Bravo, bravo. You have truly played the cruel card on me.

I do hope there's only one in the deck.

Love,

Tuesday Thoughts.

Patient, You Shall Know.

My love for reading is quite known, among my friends and family. Among people who have had enough time to talk to me. I read when I have the spare time to, when I don't. I read before I fall asleep and pick up the book again when I wake up.

I read and reread. I sometimes take my sweet time, knowing that those unread books won't run away. I read the Harry Potter books as if the words are being deleted as I read every single one of them. I let myself be consumed by the story. I let myself read from a distance, not hooked to a certain character.

I laugh, I cry, I fall in love.

But, never have I read books the way I'm doing now. The stack of books I bought in December, I'm going through them when I'm not reading an ebook I downloaded. In the past 3 weeks, I have read 8 books. I read them mostly at night. From after dinner till I go to bed, I'll be in my room with the radio turned on and a book in hand.

I get consumed by some. I cried when a character cut herself. I giggled when another got asked out by the dashing man. I felt so many emotions from reading those words just because I'm tired of facing my own. Its not fear, but just reluctance. When I read, I stop hearing that voice in my head.

Yes, the voice is back after its debut way back in 2006. How did that end? I had a breakdown, a heart break and went through a self hate phase so badly that I became quite the actor. No one noticed. Hurrah.

I wrote a lot during that time. Read as if my life depends on knowing the plot. And one day, that wretched voice decided to pack its bags and took the next plane to some holiday destination with no return ticket.

But what am I so stressed about now? 

I'm .. tired of what some people think of me. I'm tired of being that person they think I am. I'm so tired of trying to fit into that being. No matter what, I'll never be that person and because of that, the voice is telling me I'm a failure.

Its carving out tiny chunks from an already fragile self esteem and god, my heart is helping. Such a traitor. 

For the third was unwanted. And oh it hurts like a paper cut.

I want to heap all the blame on those people. And some of them do deserve it. But, I can't undo things, right? If I can, I would undo only one thing. Prevent the third. I was perfectly happy before that.

As I read all those books, as I read the sadness, the happiness, the arrogance of it all, I made a plan. And I really really hope it would go as planned. If it does, I would be free of that voice. I would finally be allowed to be who I am. 

Hanis.

And when that happens, the third would eventually be forgotten.

Confession No. 49

For the first was hopeless

For the second was regret

For the third was unwanted.

Confession No. 48

Its like the yummy chocolate ball I bought from the bakery turns out to be a ball of fruit cake dipped in chocolate. Not a ball of chocolate cake dipped in chocolate .

How dissapointing.

From a Book: Self Hatred.

Never have I cried with such understanding.

She had fancied Andrew Price once, before she realised that she was utterly unfit to fancy anyone; before she realised that she was laughable and strange.

The Casual Vacancy - J. K. Rowling

Rusty Chains.

rusty chains of self will

creak and moan as i fight

every whisper of logic

every note of caution.

i crave for such wrongness

such short lived pleasure

such abandon

such selfishness

such tingling sweetness

to only end up with the bitterness of guilt in my mouth.

rusty chains of self will

slip and slide off as i succumb

to meaningful looks

to whispered intentions.

i crave for such delights

such a kiss the leaves me breathless

such sinful touches

such warm trails of the forbidden

such delightful madness

to just abandon those rusty chains.

Written by Hanis in the middle of the night, between the 14th and 15th of March.

Inspired by the 3rd.

3rd of what?

I won't tell.

But you might know.

Confession No. 47

I swear

I believe you have voodoed me

Only sane explanation.

Tuesday Thoughts.

And how I should realise this.

Guilty of wrapping the present so prettily and hiding it in my closet.

Everybody's Looking for Something.

Alright. Music player on, ear plugs in. Thoughts flowing.

Oasis- Wonderwall

When I was 17, I was pretty sure of who I was. Then I went into uni and met with so many different people that I began to doubt who I was just because I did not fit in with any of those known groups. I made friends, but I never revealed the whole of me to a single one of them.

Most of them saw the bookworm, who loves to eat. A handful knew of that very short fuse of mine and they also knew that is why I often hold indifference to things around me. Just so I won't lose control.

It was about last year that I met that 17 year old girl again. So sure and confident of who she is. I learned that I no longer care about keeping friendships that make me sad. I learned that you can tell me that I'm the ugliest being in the world and I won't mind. Why? Because I used to tell myself worse things and I no longer believe those. Even when its kinda obvious I'm being overlooked, due to some physical shit, I tell myself this:

I'm gorgeous. I believe I'm gorgeous, therefore I'm gorgeous.

Justin- Cry Me a River

I have grown confident, and began to believe the above mantra. I told myself I have an amazing personality and if anyone is not willing to spend time with me, they are missing out, big time.

Yesterday, someone told me I was a future wreck. They also told me I have plenty of issues and that I clearly have no respect for myself because I'm overweight. They also said, I should get myself checked because if I don't, I'll be bipolar by the time I'm 50 due to the lack of a man's attention.

Between the lines? I'm physically, mentally and emotionally so unattractive that it is no surprise that I'm single.

Did I cry? Yes.

Did I believe them? At first.

Adele- Skyfall

It went on for nearly an hour, and it even went to said that the way I went on about my education is wrong. I snapped, I cut off contact and went to cry on the couch. That breathless gasps, shaking shoulders and an acid burn in the heart. It was major heartbreak all over again, this time without any love involved.

I'm better now, thanks to Mokesart and another friend. The person might have said it to help me, but it didn't. He could have been right about a small matter, but it does not justify the rest. Instead of wanting to flip him the bird, I want to thank him because it makes me respect myself even more.

Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams

From now, I won't be sad unless I let myself be. Or one of those Disney/Pixar movies.

Excuses, So Many of Them.

I know, I have been such a lazy person to even look at my blog for the past few days. I blame the boredom of my days. Of my new addiction to any tv shows that has "Gypsy Weddings" in the title or "Millionaire's Matchmaker". I also blame the books I'm reading. The people I'm talking to online. Let's just say I'm blaming everything.

I've been living a healthy eating system. Grilled, baked fish or chicken. No salt. A bit of carbs. Tons of vegetables. It was suprisingly easy to eat out, just avoid fast food and be ready to spend a bit more above your usual budget. Result: A loss of 12lbs. Yes, I shall be hotter, as a certain person told me.

Just as I was thinking its easier than I thought, I was put on a sugar blockage diet. Or something that is done for 2 weeks, to retrain my taste buds to hate sweet things. I don't have a sweet tooth. I just like baking and devouring a bar of dark chocolate as if I'm seducing someone with the sounds of pleasure.

But, I'm on the second day and everything Mama cooks, which I usually won't even care for, looks so good. Why? First three days, I can only eat eggs and tofu. No condiments, no carbs. Its pretty hard. The good thing, I'm good at not feeling hungry now. Day four would be when I can eat other proteins so that piece of salmon in the freezer, would so be grilled and eaten with such appetite.

I've been reading a lot. City of Bones and Ashes for the moment. Cassandra Claire, who is the author of the famous Mortal Instruments series started out as a fanfiction writer, Harry Potter fandom. I read one of her stories, pretty long and it wasn't really to my taste. But, reading the books make me realise, that the general feel of them, is something familiar as that is how the good HP fanfics are like.

There's a plot skipping around in my head for a day now. I have the main points, but I need to find the right settings, to really show that internal struggle. I know that this will be one of my better stories. What I have in my head now, is this line:

His kiss was like a wisp of smoke, curling tightly in my mouth before leaving me so out of breath and full of chemical joy.

I will now go find random people to talk to while coaxing that plot onto paper while ignoring that confession I have already typed up in my Drafts. Do enjoy this cover of Cranberries' Linger by a Malaysian band. It is addictively good, even more angst-y that the original version which is one of my all time favourites.

2. I Made This!

Viennese fingers. Well, the piping bag broke, I didn't have enough chocolate but damn, it was decent tasting.

1. L is for ... Longing.

Tommy, longing for freedom outside.

Photo A Day: March

As a way of utilising my camera on my phone, I've decided to join this photo challenge as a way to keep this blog updated. 

Liebstered.

I haven't received an award in such a long time (has no idea) and BOOM, I've been awarded by two people for the same award. So, its the Liebster award or something.

It means dearest. Hmmm. That is cute. Of course, here are the terms of service that comes with the award:

The rules:

1. Give 10 random facts about myself.

2. Answer the questions given to me by my wonderful nominators.

3. Nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

4. Write 11 questions for them to answer.

Oh god, 10 random facts about myself.

Here we go.

1. I'm in love with Twix. You know, the chocolate. We don't have them here but I bought some at the Jeddah airport and well, now I regret not stuffing myself with bars of Twix from the supermarket near the hotel I stayed at in Mecca. The chocolates were cheap =.=

2. I recently made an Instagram. Expect pictures of my cat, my books and food. Username: hanisgorgeous

3. I can't watch romance movies for the reason that I believe it will only give people false hope. I'll make a face whenever anyone suggest a rom-com. In fact, the only one I can tolerate is Ten Things I Hate About You (tears up every single time) and god, 500 Days of Summer? I hated Summer right away.

4. I get pissed off when I see trash published and become bestsellers *coughscoughsTwilightand50Shadescoughscoughs* because come on, there are plenty of other, more deserving books to be recognised and become bestsellers. Not to mention, my manuscript.

5. Talking about bestsellers, I avoid them until the whole rage about them has died down. Either I read them when the word-of-mouth are whispers or after the enthusiasm has died.

6. Everytime I look at my books, I imagine getting a nice big bookcase and then buying more.

7. I hate throwing things away. Just few days ago I cleared away some books/reports from my high school days. And the bundle of scrap paper and notes from my Diploma days.

8. I don't have a type. But if you ask what kind of a guy I find physically attractive, I would tell you Caucasian or Indian/Pakistani + Caucasian or Indian/Pakistani guys who were brought up in the western part of the world. I know, that last one is odd but there is just something about the upbringing that makes them oh so attractive.

9. Koala bears? I have no idea why people think they're cute.

10. I have the urge to quote lyrics into conversation.

Okay, time to answer those questions given by my nominators, such wonderful people.

First up is AZ:

1) The moment you regret the most

Hmm. I can't think of one. Maybe that moment I started having midnight snacks that were more like a second dinner. HAHAHAHAHA. 

Okay, be serious Hanis.

Hmmm. I seriously can't think of one that qualifies as "the most" . Oh wait, what about the time I gave that letter to this one crush of mine who let his friends read it and made fun of me on Myspace? God. I'm gonna nominate the moments I get certain crushes.

2) The moment you value the most

I must be a bad person as I can't think of an answer for this one. The moment I got my S3. HAHAHAHA.

Fine. Seriously, I can't think.

3) If your life was about to be turned into a film, who would you want to potray you?

That girl from Suits. The sexy, caramel skinned one who's having a thingie with Mike. Or Maya Karin. Can the guy from I Am Number Four play my husband?

4) Which song describes your life

There is no song that do that. Other than If Only For One Night or Sweet Dreams are Made of This.

5) Your biggest fear

Hmm. Being rejected. Or falling from a high place with no chance of being saved.

6) What is your most embarrasing habit

Snoring. I do snore.

7) What is your favourite quote

If you're going through hell, keep on going- Winston Churchill

8) If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life what would it be

Fish and chips, with a lemon wedge on the side with tartar sauce. Does that count as one thing? Or just a Chicken Slices Sub from Subway.

9) Your dream job?

A food and travel show host.

10) Which book made you cry?

Plenty but the one on my mind now is The Time Traveller's Wife.

11) Which film made you cry?

Last one, that I remember was Despicable Me. I cry at cartoons every single time.

Whew, that was hard. Now, its time for Laila:

1. A book that made you [want to?] throw it across the room?

This Malay novel that my brother has to read for school. God, it reminded me of why I hate most Malay novels where the female characters are weak and idiotic. I know there are some novels which aren't like that, but that is the minority. I ended up going "I hate the daughter, I hate the mother, I hate the father. I only like nothing of this." while vowing to write to the author a hate letter. I didn't.

2. What was the last lie you told? (assuming you have lied :P )

Last one I remember telling was :

"I only had two currypuff."

I had 3 currypuffs and few other things. With a cup of tea. A small Kit Kat and a mini bag of Nips.

3. How long is your thumb?

Half of the height of my S3.

4. What did you eat for breakfast four days ago?

Scrambled egg.

5. Have you ever done something violent? If so, what didja do?   

Other than fighting my brother? Or shooting an M17? Nope.

6. What's under your bed?

Luggages. A vaccumm cleaner.

7. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear 'kangaroo'?

Tigger. Cause he's like Roo's role model.

8. What happens to Pinocchio when he says 'I'm lying'?

Its like dividing something by 0. World ends. Or the universe gets jumbled up and we wake up in a whole other universe.

9. Can you stand on your head without leaning against anything?

Hmmmm. No. Hahaha

10. When was the last time you climbed a tree?

I have a fear of ants. Well, I hate how they crawl on my skin. Where do ants like to hang out? Trees. So, never.

11. When someone asks you to tell them about yourself, what do you say?

In my mind:

"I'm Hanis. Hanis means awesome and gorgeous. TRUTH."

In reality:

"Erm .. what do you wanna know?"

And now, since everyone I can possibly nominate has been nominated, I'm gonna ignore the 3rd and 4th rule and instead, give you this picture of me, which shows me attempting a cute Korean style expression.

Tuesday Thoughts.

Its a List about My Toy.

Cons of having a snazzy phone:

1. I get addicted to Temple Run 2.

2. I get super lazy to use my laptop.

3. I get glued to my phone.

4. I get addicted to Instagram. hanisgorgeous is the username.

5. I take vain pictures.

Pros of having a snazzy phone:

1. I get to read my ebooks easily.

2. I can get directions to an unknown place while on the go.

3. I get to read the blogs I follow more easily.

4. I get to take pictures that show my gorgeousness. Such as these two which I took while waiting for Lil Bro to get ready for a wedding.

See, I'm super gorgeous. Hahahahaha. Oh god. I can't get over how one eye is bigger than the other while the eyebrow is a bit arched.

And of course, the make a silly face in front of the camera and go all "Oh my god, I look so awkwarddddd." on Facebook so people can tell you you're pretty.

No. I didn't do that.

Its my version of a duck face. 

And no, my skin ain't the wonderful. Its the lighting and the light sunblock.

But dang, those chairs behind me, beautiful right? Mom says its about 18 years old and people have offered money to buy them from her but hell nah. She knows that they cost a hand and a leg right now if she buys a new one.

Umra: Medina.

After 4 hours of much needed sleep, I woke up at 4am and was forced by Mama to take a shower. Knowing how cold it would be, I put on a t shirt and long pants underneath my abaya before putting on my telekung (white prayer cover I wear). And it was still very very very cold. The walk took us about 5 minutes to get to Masjid Nabawi.

For the first time, I teared up inside the mosque. The sights, the environment and every single thing made me blinked away tears few times. After performing the prayer for entering a mosque, I sat and read the Quran before it was time for the Subuh prayer.

We then had breakfast at the hotel, where the most wonderful spread awaits us. I mostly ate bread, cheese and deli meat. They also had this juice + milk drink in boxes which became a favourite among us. After a nice very short nap, we went back to the mosque for Duha' and I enjoyed the environment once again. 

One thing about my two weeks is that I took a lot of naps. It was normal to wake at 4am and go to bed, earliest at 10.30pm, or the latest was 2.30am. After the Zohor prayer, we had lunch and only had enough time to brush our teeth etc before going back for Asar.

Near the mosque is Medina's branch of Starbucks. A tiny little store where we can only order from the window. The menu was different and I decided to try out the White Chocolate Mocha. It was yummy, but not as good as my favourite Dark Mocha. We then had just enough time to laze for 10 minutes before heading back to mosque.

I know, where did all the time went? Well, as we didn't want to sit outside, we went early to get a nice place. There were so so many people. We stayed there until Isyak, where I usually read the Quran and gossip with Mama about how pretty the abayas are and usually, some kind lady will offer me either chocolate/sweets/raisins/dates and that was common. We'll get back to our hotel around 8.30 pm and have dinner.

And that is how my four days at Medina went, with some variations where I go "shopping" after Isyak, or when we went to visit historical places. Usually, I'll be sleeping in the bus, waking up when we stop to get off the bus and take a closer look.

Even though its kinda routine-ish, I was never bored.

Here are some pictures:

I think this was taken after Zohor. This is in the Nabawi Mosque's court yard. See the umbrella thingies above? They are opened when the sun starts to shine bright right until it sets. Its probably because the floor is  white-ish and they didn't want there to be a major glare. The courtyard is really big, a rectangle around the rectangle mosque.

The path we take to go to the Mosque. Right and left are shops, and people selling things.

Inside the mosque, in an area in the men's section. They said there's about 4400-ish of those pillars. As you can see, there are those umbrellas inside, and according to Lil Bro, they open it sometimes and it becomes very windy.

See how close Starbucks is to the Mosque. I'm the one who's standing right under the green awning, arms crossed.

Sunset, and the umbrellas are closed. God, the view is beautiful.

I think its very easy to get lost in here because the view here, is replicated in nearly every part of the mosque. There's like tons of doors, differing from the numbers and there's plenty of pillars and chandeliers just like that. I remember the first time I set foot in there when I was 11. I spent the first 10 minutes gaping, looking up. You see the gold section on the pillars? I heard those are real gold. Haha. The air conditioning vents are at the base part of the pillars.

They have domes like this all over the Mosque. And sometimes, it slides open and let it gusts of winds and even more pigeons. Yes, pigeons fly around inside, swooping in from the open doors and they're quite tame. They walk around on the carpets, not flying away when people walk by.

The whole mosque is like a shining beacon. What is shown in this picture, is just a small part of the mosque. If you're interested to know how big it is, here is a picture of the whole structure.

Mom, Lil Bro and I after Isyak prayer. Or Subuh. But it was really really cold.

This was taken during one of the visits. As you can see, my sunglasses was my main and must have accessory over there. I think this was taken at a Mosque, I don't remember which one.

Random picture of a house in Medina, near the dates plantation.

The view from the main entrance of our hotel.

Jabal Uhud or Uhud Hill. There's a history to this place, I learned it back in school, had to write an essay on it and I don't remember it =.= . Google it?

Near the dates plantation, was this big store selling all kind of dates. Plain ones, ones soaked in honey, ones with a chocolate coating. Like those colourful wrapped ones. Some have almonds/cashews in them before being coated with chocolate. I is not a fan.

An entrance to the mosque.

In the Raudah section. This is where our Prophet and some of his beloved friends is laid to rest. This section is opened to women at certain times and man, it was really really packed when we went there. I teared up here too. This was taken by Dad, who said it was not as packed at the men's section. Lucky. The way the section is differed from the others is from the pillars, carpeting and walls. Its mostly green where in the other sections, the carpeting is red.

There's 3 doors behind me, and as you can see, all are packed. This is after Subuh.

As you can see inside, those white and grey squares are the arches between the pillars. And it goes on till the other end and it has this visual effect of seeming endless.

As I write this, I felt sad because I miss Medina, I miss going to that Mosque. 

One thing that struck me over there was how funny-ish it was to me to be in such a holy/beautiful place and to look around and see the phones used by the people were mostly those high tech/expensive ones. Iphones, Samsung Galaxy/Note and some Blackberry ones.

On the 2nd last day in Medina, I nearly bumped into a guy that reminds me of E.

Tuesday Thoughts.