Shopping for School. I'm Becoming a Girl. Damn.

On Monday, I went out with 2 of my friends with the intention of catching a movie, stuffing my face with food before shopping. It went well, until the bill came for our lunch. I came with just enough cash for movie and lunch because I thought to myself, I'll just withdraw money for the shopping part at the mall.

Guess who left her bank card in her old purse at home?

I pouted enough to make my friend offer another shopping trip.

Which was today. I brought my bank card. I told myself:

"Shoes. Cardigan."

(You may skip this shopping part if you want)

I got myself two pairs of shoes and a yellow mustard bag. Mama went:

"God almighty Hanis."

When I showed her the bag. It took me some time to find the bag since I had a specific length and shape of the bag in my head. Thank you ajim for being so patient with me. Yes, Mama will know you're the one who chose that colour.

I also spent the last of my voucher on stationaries. I got a balance of 60 cents after buying notebooks, pens, folders and some other things. How I wish I could have used it to buy myself a book.

But here's some pictures from my lunch on Monday. Its at Italiannies, I'm not sure if you guys have it over there. It was my first time there and I fell in love with it. I want more. I present you to you, pictures taken by my friend.

Look at that happy face. I just had the best mushroom soup ever. You can see the satisfied smile on my face.
This is some .. toasted bread with the most delicious tomato thing on it, ever. If I could live on one thing for 2 days, I'll choose this one.

My pasta which consists of fettuccine in a garlicky tomato sauce with olives, chilies and bits of bacon. It didn't look much but let me tell you, I was leaning back against my seat once I finished it.

My Writings, Stories.

Some of you might know of my other blog. My writing blog. Its called Glimpses and it has some(read: few) short stories that I wrote in my spare time. I share the blog with Mokesart who edits the story before hitting that "Post" button.

Sometimes, I bully him into leaving an editor's note. He knows I'll love him if he does that.

Last week, I found an old short story I wrote. I might have mentioned this, but most of my short stories are usually scenes of a longer story, a novel perhaps. More like, an excerpt of a novel. You might think that I've written that book, but no. I write scenes.

Today, I posted that old story, one playing on emotions. I've always gravitated towards stories of love lost and betrayal. Heartbreak. I think if I ever make a writing career for myself, there's a big chance I'll be that author who writes a collection of bittersweet/heartbreaking stories for women who needs a good cry or self pity.

Mokesart thinks I'll be shitty rich if that ever happens. I seem to agree with him. Haha. So, here's the story, yes, this is a promotion of my blog. Do go read and comment, I'll really appreciate it.

Love,

Confession No.29

And you come away with a great little story

Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

Speech, Where I'm Thanking People.

*taps microphone*

Is this on? *hears static*

*taps again*

Hello?

Oh, its on?

*clears throat*

*unfolds the piece of paper with my speech on it*

I would like to thank my dear friend Mamon, for letting me bunk in her room and bed for about 3 weeks. Without her gracious acceptance of my bed hogging ways, I would have been stuck studying less efficiently at home. I also appreciate the wonderful food you bought me when I was too freaking lazy to buy my own.

I would like to thank my parents for sending me to campus and picking me up, day in and day out. Without mentioning the gas rate or how much money is used for gas alone that particular week. Thank you also for your belief in me when I tell them I would never ever study productively at home.

*wipe tears*

Thank you to Bella for letting me bunk in her room between classes. For letting me come in at 6.40am while every other normal being is still sleeping.

Mokesart, without your "Go STUDY" everytime I come online for more than a certain amount of time during that critical 3 weeks, I would have stayed on and not study my ass off. I really appreciate your blind belief in me when you said I'm smart.

Thank you to various classmates who dealed with my texts out of nowhere, asking them the formula to some random shit. Thank you also for letting me snap at you because you didn't get what I was explaining. My sincere apologies.

Thank you to my lecturers for marking my papers with one eye closed. How else would I have achieved my results? *insert time for crowd's laughter* But seriously, thank you.

*folds the piece of paper*

Thank you for* clears throat *for the encouragement you gave me. I lost out in the end but I gained something else.

Oh yes, the important part, I got on the dean's list for the 2nd time in a row.

*fist pumps*

*blows kisses*

Writing Prompt: Lie

This is from a prompt that caught my eye. The moment I saw it, this scene came to mind. Do enjoy.

Her lips had a curve to them, as bitter as the coffee he favours. She tilted her head to the side, her eyes sliding over his features with harsh sadness.

"I thought you were over it."

The emotions dissapeared from her face with a shrug of her shoulders. She slide on the pair of sunglasses dangling from her fingers, effectively hiding herself.

"I lied."

The lone tear sliding down her cheek were proof she was telling the truth this time around.

Baking My Emotions.

Back in highschool, I went through an emotionally torturous month that involved a little adventure in anorexia. I knew I was in deep shit after I cried myself to sleep one night. The next day, I told Mama I feel like making brownies.

I remember adding chocolate chips into those brownies, creating a gooeyness that leaves people craving for more. I did everything myself from preparing the ingredients to cleaning up. By the time I took my first bite, I felt better. I was recovering from my troubles.

Few months later, I baked a chocolate cake during my first ever heart break.

Over the years, if I ever suddenly felt like baking/cooking its because I'm stressed. Sometimes I do it after finishing my finals. Sometimes, its because I'm emotionally fucked.

Last night, I made cookies. The day before, I made chocolate lava cakes. What does that say about my emotional state?

Session Three.

Things you like and dislike about yourself.

Right now, I can't think one thing I like about myself. I'm so full of self loathing that I can list out things that I just fucking hate about myself.

My name is Hanis and I like that everytime I feel like the scum underneath a plumber's boots at my very very worst , I'm able to get back up and be the person who I was before. It might take time but I'll be back to normal.

My name is Hanis and I dislike that there's something wrong in me. I dislike that I've been very sad for some time now and that I didn't even notice it (thank you studies for distracting me). I dislike how I'm not truely confident. I dislike my insecurity. I dislike that deep down, I'll choose to have beauty in exchange of my brains. The last thing I dislike about myself is liking guys that don't like me back.


Favourite place to shop at.

Bookstore of course. Or one of those drugstores that sell hand creams, facial wash, chocolates and so much more. I swear if I'm not spending money buying books or food, I'm buying lip balm or something.

What is your relationship status?

Is there even a relationship? Haha. I'm single. I just think that guys around me don't know a good deal when they see one.

I don't know if I like anyone at the moment. I did, few weeks back. It didn't even had the chance to see if it would work out or not, so meh. I think I might be over that. Yes, there was the process of getting over something that didn't even start. Heck, we didn't even get to put our shoes on, let alone step onto the starting line.

How I’d spend ten thousand bucks.

Let me confirm first, in what currency? Ok, let's just assume its in the highest one ( I don't even bother in checking which one is it). The first thing I'll do is invest 25% of it, put in 5% in my bank before going shopping. Hahaha.

I'll buy an airplane ticket, update my passport, get a freaking visa after making plans to stay with various friends in the US while trying to survive on their good deeds aka board and food.


If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

22. I don't know why but 22 seems like a nice age. I know, I might be prettier or even much better when I'm 32 but for now, my answer is 22.

Valentine, Blergh.

For the past few days, I've been jokingly asked some of my online friends to sign a make believe petition in cancelling what is perhaps one of the cheesiest, over-commercialised and unoriginal celebration to ever grace mankind.

Yes. Valentine's Day.

No, this has nothing to do with me being single because recently, I've come to accepted that I might just end up forever alone. I just see it as a chance to be the woman who can do whatever she wants.

This post should be put under a category with this post for the sole reason of my dislike of the cheesiness.

First of all, I don't get how people just fall for this whole bullshit. What makes me roll my eyes and throw up in my mouth is when some people make this one day the most romantic day for their relationship.

"I sooo can't wait for this year's Valentine. He told me he has something special planned."

Like, seriously? Please don't tell me you're freaking serious.

Let me tell you this.

Valentine's Day is so hyped up that most people gets carried away by it. That significant other of yours is probably just being romantic because he's been brainwashed by this celebration. He's not doing it because he was sitting there and then got this idea of appreciating/wooing you out of nowhere.

Nope.

Its not his initiative. No matter how original his date/idea is, you guys are just caught up with the Valentine's bug.


Like, honestly, I would prefer if James Franco my guy would take me on some kind of super romantic date sometime in November or June compare to sometime in February.

Be Careful What You Wish For.

I've seen this survey going around and wondered if anyone would tag me, but they didn't. So I made a wish and Boom, I've been tagged by two different people. I know. It took the life out of me to answer it all.


1. The Rules:
1.Post these rules;
2.Post 11 random things about yourself;
3.Answer the questions that tagger set for you in their post;
4.Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer; and
5.Go to their blog and tell them they've been tagged.

Mokesart

1.What was the worst thing you got caught doing at school?

In 5th grade, my homeroom teacher was the worst ever. She was a dragon. One
day, she got into a fit over people who didn't send in their homework. There were
about 6 of us. I was the last person to give my explanation. There I was, barely
eleven, watching as the 5 people in front of me tell her what is perhaps, the most
stupid reason I've ever heard.

"I lost my book."

Okay, one person tell her that? I accept it. But 5? I just thought to myself, I'll be
honest. So I told her that I forgot to do it.

2.Did you get punished for it?

Did I? I got a fucking bitch slap right across my face for being a good-for-nothing
student with no intention of studying. She then threw my book out of the classroom
and practically screamed at me to get my ass out of her class.

Can you imagine my reaction? The stupid woman accepted 5 students' lame "I lost
my book" but slapped me for my honest "I didn't do it."

From that moment, I cursed her. Few months later, her husband got transferred to
some war ridden country and we all danced in joy when she followed.

3.What occupation are you employed in/what career are you thinking about
taking up?

Hmm. I have no idea. God, I know, bad answer. But right now, I can't think of
anything I want to be. Well, let's just put aside what I'm studying.

4.Is there a point to space exploration?

Yes yes yes. I used to have this deep interest in astronomy. But then somehow, I got
into other things and here I'am, doing maths. One thing I'll say is that, if they even come up with affordable-ish space travel, I'll sign up.

5.What is your religious belief, or lack of, and why have you chosen it?

I'm Muslim. *blinks* I don't know how to answer. I know if I simply say "I was born into a family of Muslim." some would think that I have no rights blah blah. But its not like that for me. I honestly believe in my religion, let's leave it at that.

6.What number child are you, and how has the experience been for you?

I'm the first of two. There's an exaxt 7.5 year gap between me and my brother. I
think the age gap made me not act like most first borns aka a sense of
responsbility. But then, in caring for someone that young perhaps gave me more of
a sense of taking care. I have friends who think I'm an idiot for making chocolate
drinks/prepare food for my brother who's well in his teenage years.

Yes, there's a difference. But my taking care of people only applies to my brother xD

Growing up, my parents were strict and had tons of expectations. I now watch how
different they are with my brother. I often sigh and roll my eyes before telling my
parents how wrong they're doing it.

My years of an only child also made me self sufficient. In uni, I don't mind buying
food, eating, going to class by myself. I don't feel stared at. But, I'm still the shy young girl when it comes to making friends.

7.Do you have, or have you had, a nickname? If so, what, and why?

Erm. Not really. Hanis is short enough.

8.Do you have a phobia, and what is it?

Haha. I was just talking about this the other day. I don't have that severe of
phobias but enough to well, perhaps make me cry. I'm really really creeped out by
animals that has scales or sticky skin. You know, basically reptiles, fish and
amphibians. Once, a gecko landed on my bare arm, I screamed so loud before
crying as if I just had a finger chopped off.

What else?

Oh oh. I have a circle of personal space. Which makes riding a public transportation hell.

Day or night kind of person?

Hmmm. I don't stay up that late. I don't embrace the sun. I guess it depends on my
day and what I want to be done. You know? I guess, its a mix of both.

10.Do you speak more than one language?

Yes. Bahasa Melayu, English and right now, I'm learning arabic.

11.Are you artistic at all? (Music, film, drawing, photos, etc).

Does writing count?

PurpleMist

1. Have you ever shoplifted? If yes, then what did you steal?

We have coins all over the house, do I take even a dime? No. Mom gives me money to
buy things, I get change less than one ringgit. Do I keep it? No. So, I've never
shoplifted. I have this certain honesty when it comes to people's stuffs and things that don't belong to me.

2. How long can you hold your breath for?

Not for long. My lungs aren't that great which makes swimming a bit tiring for me at
times, yet I still enjoy it.

3. Are you a grammar nazi?

Only when I don't like that person. Or when I see "Your" and "You're" being mixed up. I don't have perfect grammar myself so I'm not really uptight about it.

4. What is the worst thing you have ever done to a friend?

I'm not going to answer this one. Hahahahaha. I wonder who can answer this with a straight face.

5. Do you think your life will change dramatically in 2012?

Maybe. I hope so. In a good way. I'm hoping for a good academic performace and an improving self esteem.

6. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Fall in love. Lose weight. Study. Write. Eat vanilla icecream with the hard chocolate
shell. I don't know. There's so many things to do. I just don't feel like it or there's no opportunity to. But the first one is bound to happen no matter what I do, right?

7. Do you take home the shampoos/soaps from hotels?

Thanks to Mama, I tend to bring mini versions of my own shampoos/soaps from home
whenever we're staying over at hotels. The only thing I get excited for in hotels is thefree toothbrush. So, no. I don't.

8. What is your biggest pet peeve?

I don't know. I'm trying to think of it. Perhaps people who don't know how to say
thank you. Or people who bumps into me and not say sorry.

9. Last movie you watched?

Journey 2 the Lost Island. Not counting the ones I watch on tv. If that, its Definitely, Maybe. I liked that one. Ryan Reynolds is so dreamy. I've been nursing a crush on him ever since his days on Two Guys and a Girl.

10. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

I like the old ones. Sound of Music, The King and I, Mary Poppins, Annie. But
definitely not High School Musical. That seems cheesy.

11. Favourite tv show or movie?

Friends. Top Chef. Bing Bang Theory. Private Chefs of Beverly Hills. Gene Simmons'
Family Jewels. Oh, you only want one? Well, I can't choose. Give me a day with these
shows showing on tv, I'll be having breakfast, lunch and dinner in front of the tv.


I think everyone I know has been tagged. So, I wish I could continue this, but I'll stop it here. Don't kill me.

Session Two.

What I want to be when I get older.

I want to be a writer. Or I want to be that woman who travels for leisure when she wants. The woman who bake wonderful things on her weekends off. The woman who doesn't need a man to feel oh so happy. Oh yes, in my mind, older is when I've started working.

Your opinion on cheating on people

This is a pickle. I don't know. If you ask me my opinion on polygamy, I'll give a loud "Hell no" but on cheating. Well. I'm a dramatic person. I see the way to react when you find out you've been cheated on is to throw things, be as passive agressive as you can and you know, just let it all out.

I don't think that as a way with holier-than-thou undertones because I can put myself in the cheater's shoes. Just to make it simple, be honest. Go for an open relationship if you can't handle it.

Future names of your children.

This is so easy. Let's just make the assumption I'll be having children sometime in the future. First of all, I'll be naming my daughter Alexandria which will be shortened to Xandria. I like the name Scarlette too but you know, I can just imagine her being teased as "The Scarlette letter" or "That Scarlette woman.

You know what I mean.

For my son, well. I have no idea. Seriously. I'll just leave that to my husband.

Last Awkward situation you were in

There's so many I can't remember? I have never like, labelled a situation as awkward in my mind so I can't even recall one single moment for this.

Silence.

There's this girl who just realised she has been very lonely and sad for some time now. Just that she had been distracted from facing it and the very distraction is perhaps the reason she's curling up in such sadness.

Her silent screams. Her tears. They were all about what she missed out. So she thinks.

Morning.

Due to Mama's idea of us having a family vacation, we'll be going to this waterpark resort place for a one night stay. I'm hoping to not get too tanned and that my fingers will get so wrinkly they'll look like those wrinkly shrivelled up cocktail sausages.

This past week, I've been dragged out of bed following Mama on her morning walk. I don't jog. I walk fast-ish. Why don't I jog? Well, until someone buys me a jogging bra, I'm not going to huff and puff while certain things get pulled down by gravity with every 40 steps or so.

We go to walk at this nearby stadium, every round of the track is around 400 meters and walking on that track at 7am kills me. I usually drag myself for the first round, get a bit warmed up by the 3rd round and by the 5th, I'll be delusional raving to go on until my legs feel like jelly. The average for me, so far is about 3km per walk.

Here's to me not losing interest in this walking lark.

Remember those 8 library books I borrowed? Well, the Jodi Picoult I borrowed is the first one she wrote and the first one that is oh-my-god so boring for me. I only read it till page 50 before telling Mokesart I'm moving on to the next book. Were there any interesting books? Well, no. I finished reading 4. The other 4, I couldn't force myself.

Hanis goes to living room.

"Okay, choose a number between one and six."

Mama: Four

Bro: One

Dad: One

*calculates in mind*

"Thank you."

Mama: What do you need it for?

"I just wanted to know which book I should read first."

So, here I'am with my copy of Lover Unleashed. In few minutes, I'll be back in the world of those vampires. I better go, they're calling me now.

Oh yes, I think I'll be setting some posts up, set up the time and date and voila. You get something to read.

Peace out.

This Song Reminds Me Of: Emotions

This song has two versions, one by the Bee Gees and the other is by Destiny's Child. The latter version reminds me of sad moments while the former one reminds me of Dad's love for the Bee Gees and abba.

Its over and done but the heartache lives on inside. and who is the one you're clinging to, instead of me tonight?

Thinking about it now, this song smacks of love gone wrong where only one half of the relationship is still clinging on. It speaks (to me) of someone pining for an ex, who has clearly moved on. The words tell me of someone who tries to look strong in front of the former lover but breaks down into tears when they're all alone, every single detail replaying in their mind.

How do I even know this? I'm not the Communication arts student *coughs*Mokesart*coughs*. Its purely because like nearly every other person, certain songs act like a time machine.

My tummy hurts right now just by remembering how pitiful I was back then. God, I feel like smacking myself with a dead flounder right on the face. I was young, that's my normal excuse. If someone asked, I'll just shrug and tell them I was at a bad place for that few weeks.

Cry me a river, that leads to your ocean. You'll never see me fall apart, in the words of a broken heart, its just emotions taking me over

I felt that this song was made especially for me. Everytime I was touching the gates of "moving on", I'll get pushed back by something as cruel but simple as a short conversation with him. Once, I was driving and this song came on and before I knew it, I was singing along to it with such feeling that I was crying without realising. It must have been a sight at the red light for the car beside me.

Of course, it took me few months before I could listen to this song without bursting into tears and self pity. But I'm better now, just with a good memory.

Nobody left in this world to kiss me goodnight.

Confession No.28

I'm Han Solo.

Take a Look at My New Friends.

I spent about 45 minutes in a bookstore, choosing my 6 books. When I stepped in, I asked (just to confirm) if I could use the book vouchers which is when I was told:

"Yes you can and there is an additional 5% discount too."

I was so resisting the urge to dance a jig right there. So I first grabbed a copy of J.R Ward's Lover Unleashed and John Green's Looking for Alaska. I then wandered in the tight walkway, surrounded by books on both sides, my eyes wandering on every title.

I stopped in front of Stephen King, looking at the titles. There were a handful which is not helpful since I have no idea which of his books I want. One of my rule of thumb in book buying is the value of money for the number of pages.

Caution, only use this rule when you already know you like the author's writing, you like the preview written at the back of each book and you're just stuck in choosing. Do not do this if its a new author that you don't know from Eve. Because this will more often than not, make you groan out:

"Why did I buy this book?"

So, I took a copy of Under the Dome Which I read about on Wiki (what haven't I read on there?) and thought was pretty interesting and yes, it reminded me of the Simpsons' movie where Springfield was put under a gigantic dome.

I had 3 books in hand, 3 more needed. This is when I usually take a risk and pick a book. My first choice is a Jodi Picoult, something I'll like even if I don't love it the way I did for Salem Falls (her first book I read). My rule of thumb came out to play again here and it led to me choosing Handle with Care.

I think by this time, I've looked at every row of books twice. I wanted to read that one trilogy but then, they didn't have it. So I thought to myself after looking at the 4 books I've piled on top of each other on a shelf:

"Indulge yourself Hanis. Get a young adult and a chick lit-ish."

Chick lit to me is definitely not Sophie Kinsella. Or those other famousy ones where most girls just love. For me, its Marian Keyes or Jilly Cooper. Yet, I already all the fomer's books and they didn't have the latter's books in stock.

I wanted something similiar to those two so I was picking up random books, reading the back when I came to Wendy Holden's Beautiful People. There was a short one line review from The Times at the back which said:

"Up there with the best of Jilly Cooper."

I flipped through. I made it book no.5.

The problem with the young adult genre is that its so full of series. Why can't you just write one long book and that is it. I don't have anything against series but well, I don't want to be hooked to another one.

It took me about ten minutes to find an interesting one that seem to be a stand alone book. Incubus by Carol Goodman.

Brother: I've heard of the title before. Where did I? Where did I?

Hanis: The band?

Brother: Oh yeahhh.

I'm currently staring at the books, so happy to see them all spread on my bed. I've been asked which one would I read first. Well, I still got my library books so I'll finish those first. Yes, I have this thing for trying to prolong a book's unread status because , well, I don't have a reason.

Here's to the books and here's to being a bookworm.