Its Random.

Today ,

I smiled,

I laughed,

I cursed,

I yawned,

I felt guilty,

I giggled,

I teared up,

I blushed,

But most of all,

Through all of that,

I missed you.

Love Don't Have a Definition.

What is love? I used to be a hopeless romantic and then turned cynical and bitter. I fight to stand on the line between those two. I look at a bestie of mine and her boyfriend of 3 years and I know its love. I'm just waiting for their wedding announcement. And of course, my parents wants their invitation.

I gag sometimes at people that claim they're in love. I want to roll my eyes and tell them its lust. Its obsession. Its infatuation. Its not love, yet. But what is love? I don't know. I have no idea. We can't define it by a definition. Its just is love.

I have written stories of love. I've wrote on unrequited love. Friends that became more. Love between enemies. Love going through hardships. But have I experienced these? No. Well, apart from the first one.

I know just how it feels to know your love is unrequited. I've cried in the shower. I've felt that pain where you wish your heart can stop feeling. I've cried till I fell asleep. Cried so hard silently that my throat hurts with held back cries. I know how it is to stand in the sidelines, wanting to jump and scream

"Look at me! I love you. I'll make you happy,"

And in a moment of self pity, I've never felt to have my love returned. Truly returned. And letting out that hopeless romantic in me, I want that person to hold hands with. Hell, I want someone to grow old with. Someone who can take all of my bullshits and kiss me when I'm panicking.

But what is love? That's my question. I know there's no answer. No definite answer. That's my opinion. You just know it is love when you see it. You'll see it many times, everytime in a different mask.

No, I'm not desperate for someone. I still go through bouts of feeling lonely in between of my "I'm single and I'm fine" phases. I still get my hopes up for silly things before it crashes and burn. But I'm a fighter. I think. I don't give up even when I say I'am. I just keep on going. Just keep on letting my heart get hurt and bruised.

If I take care of it too much, it will be too delicate. I want to make it stronger. Make it better. Should I quote the saying

" We have to kiss so many frogs to get to our prince,"

Or perhaps

"The wrong guys make us better for the right one,".

Both have the same message.


I bet this has been one confusing post to read. But then, love is confusing.


Peace Out.

Noelle, You're Kinda Wise. Sometimes. Well, Most of the Time.

"I had a classmate, she was big and her crush told her he would date her if she got thinner. She skipped meals and stuff and the end result? He got together with someone else." - Noelle, my bestie.


The lesson here?

If a guy can't like you when you're fat/not pretty enough, he's not worth it.

If a guy don't love you when you're fat/not pretty enough, he won't love you when you're thin. Because love, the real kind is blind.



Self love is what most of us lacked.


Peace Out.

Fairy Godmother Needed.

I want a fairy godmother. So she can wave her sparkly wand and make things better. She'll pop into my room and be worried on how miserable I look.

Half of my face is mashed up on my pillow while I'm curled up just to apply pressure on my tummy. She'll be like

"Oh no Hanis! Let me make your wish come true,"

Wishes my dear godmother. Wishes.

1. I want you to write my report for me.

2. I want you to wish away my tummy ache.

3. I want you to make me something good to eat.

4. I want you to mend my heart

And while you at it, give me my heart's desire.

The only reason I'm not badmouthing someone who I really want to is because I fear of them tracing this and BAM, lawsuit.

But just to say this, you're a bitch.

But hey, I think that of so many people.

Peace Out.

I'm Guilty, I Pleasured Myself With These.

I got the idea from here during a google search on topics to blog about.


1. Cooking shows

2. Discreetly checking out a guy's scent.

3.Crying at sad movies or books.

4. Skipping through the book while reading it just so I know how it ends. The Harry Potter series is an exception.

5. Procastinating.

6. Facebook stalking old crushes.

7. Randomly googling people's names.

8.Making a wish every night that I'll meet the one. (I know, hopelessly romantic)

9. Sleeping in car rides.

10. Driving on the highway as it relaxes me.

I Hate Presentation.

According to the guidebook, the presentation for our internship is done the week after the finals are done. In this case, the finals are finished on the 15th. And then on the 17th there's some national holiday so we all figured we would present the earliest on the 22th. Guess what?


Its this Friday. The 12th.


I found out an hour ago, when one of my coursemates called me.

My reaction?

efionhsodfoasuhnfsoaiasio what the fuck?


But wait! There was the "If you have objections, do forward it so,"

I did. And ten minutes later I got a text from my coordinator stating that:

No, we can't change the date.

My reaction?

wefohoaiewhfndwiohwaianhdaia what the hell.


So I texted her again and asked about when should we submit the report?

They wanted a draft this Friday.

oefhwoifhaihqpohjqdw

Yes, I'm cursing.

Blergh.

DIE DIE.

Peace Out.

Losing Battle.

Oh dear heart,

A losing battle,

We are in.

Bow out now,

Before dignity,

Lose its place.

Schedules = Evil.

I had two days of successfully getting to my word count goal. I was happy, joyous in fact that for once, I'm following a schedule. Yes, Hanis is allergic to schedules.

Flashback

17 year old Hanis has a nice study schedule put up on her bedroom wall, right beside the study table, which is overflowing with books. The chair? Has her schoolbag and books too. Under the table? You name it. Books.

Mama walks into the room, sees her daughter lazing on the bed, the 6th Harry Potter book propped up with the radio turned on loud. She then consults her daughter's schedule, nicely made with colourful arrows and hearts.

"Hanis, why aren't you studying Biology?"

"I did,"

There were no Biology books nearby. At all.

"Studying it at tuition doesn't count,"

"Biology is borinnng,"

" I swear if you read your History book as much as your Harry Potter books, you'll get A's,"

*inserts some mumblings as Hanis is nearing a Draco scene*

"Hanis!"

"Err, yes Mama?"

"Biology,"

"Can I study-"

"Anything but English or Maths,"

(Note: I love those two subjects and always use them as an excuse to avoid studying other subjects)

"Fine. Chemistry then,"

"What's the use of this pretty schedule you made last week?"

"To disobey,"

Flashback Over


Yeap, I purposely go against them. If it says 4pm: Math, I'll be on Myspace at that time.

Point of this? I can't stick to a schedule, unless its classes or something. Those, I'm good at.


So what I was trying to say is that today has been a lazy and emotional day for me. I'm listening to Angels Cry again and again. I know Noelle, I'm not supposed to listen to sad songs when I'm already down. But pleaseeee, its my way to cope. I think.


My word count for today? ZERO. Blergh.

Peace Out.

The Train Wreck Left a Mess.

My previous post was about the train wreck. Just scroll down slightly to read it before you do this.

*gives you a moment to read*

Done?

Well, right now I'm just going to curl under my green blanket and hopefully sleep this train wreck away.

Yes, I might be crying.

Yes, this is emotional.

Blergh.

And to make it worse, I'm giving words of encouragement.

*kicks something*

Peace Out.

Like a Train Wreck

You know how that saying would go.

"Its like watching a train wreck. You know its going to end badly/be horrible but you can't just bring yourself to look away,"

Now I'm not so sure if its a train wreck or an accident. Oh whatever, you get what I'm trying to say right?

Well, I feel like something akin to this train wreck had happened to me recently. Emotionally of course.

I don't want to spill it all here because it wasn't a big thing, or even a sure thing. But I had hope for it. And to be the cause of something happening that crushes the frail hope I held and to have ringside tickets to it too? Its like heart breaking. In a lesser degree of intensity.

So that's how I found myself just few minutes ago, the reality of the train wreck setting in finally as I find myself tearing up at the hope gone.

I'm sad, yes. I'm not devastated.

As I said to the person:

"The offer will be on the table until you say yes. I'm patient,"

Well honey, I'm sorry but it seems you pushed the offer off the table before I could take it away.


Its like a mini mini heartbreak.

The Excerpt You've Been Waiting For.

This is the first excerpt from my NaNo. Do excuse any spelling errors and the same goes for grammar. Editing would be done once I'm done with this challenge. Comments would be totally appreciated. And yes, no title, yet.


She leaned against the door, breathing heavily with her eyes closed, fingers curled around the doorknob, holding it still with the lock pushed in. Her skin were tingling from his touch, chest pounding, face flushed. Taking a deep breath, her sense of smell were assaulted by paint and wood. A sharp not overly unpleasing smell.

Her long hair was damp, smelling like the lake, such sweet escape, dripping drops of water onto her hastily pulled on sweater. Under the sweater, she was sweating from the run from the lake, straight home. A slight vibration in the front pocket of her jeans made her jump slightly before she cursed under her breath, hand slipping into the tight space before pulling out the phone.

Without even bothering to look at the caller-id, Xandria flipped her phone open and whispered into the receiver. A whisper that came out as a greeting and a question. A whisper that wanted answers and more. A whisper filled with yearning and curiousity.

"Hello ... ,"

"I didn't mean it,"

His voice agreed with his words. The intonation were full of regret and sadness. Turning around, she stared out of the window with the light turned off. She could make out Gabriel leaning against his opened window, arm against the pane as he stared back at her, lips moving as words spilled into her ear.

"What didn't you mean to? The kiss or the refusal?"

A groan, full of anguish.

"The latter,"

"So you're going to accept my offer,"

She could see his blond head shaking, a non-verbal answer and she closed her eyes, unwilling to look anymore. Taking a deep breath, she cleared her throat.

"Fine, at least tell me why,"

"No,"

"Tell me now Gabriel,"

"Why what? Why I won't take blood from you?"

He hissed the words into his phone, green eyes hard as steel as he stared into the darkness of her room, able to see her clear as day. Leaning against the door, eyes squeezed close with a painful look on her face. It seemed like she wanted him to accept her offer so much.

"Its against my principles Xandria. Just fucking against the principles Desiree and I grew up with."

A heavy sigh.

"Your principles? Or what they told you? What they wrote in the guidebook that came with you?"

She knew her words were bitter. She was jaded in that way. She was already sick of the rules, the secrecy and them. She hates the monthly phone calls, the yearly checkups, the way they talk about her as if she was only another experiment to do a follow-up on.

When she was younger, around 7 or 8 she knew she was different. Papa had told her she''s unique and in no way, a freak. He had made her sit on his lap with her hand in his. The hour that followed had him telling her why she's not allowed to go to the local swimming pool, how she was different and who she really was. He had shown her the envelope that held her birth certificate.

She remember the tears in Papa's blue eyes when she had hugged him tightly and told him that no matter what, she was Alexander James' daughter. She was forever Alexandria James. Their names even matched, a 7 year old her had told him, tiny hands wiping away the tears from his cheeks.

"Xandria, are you okay?"

Shaking the memory away, Xandria gave a nod of her head, knowing her phone partner would see it. She cleared her throat, trying to push away her prejudice and emotions against them. Sighing deeply, she whispered three words.

"Just come here,"

Hanis the Hair Stylist.

When it comes to the lil bro. Let me tell you how his hair is like. Its like mine. Except shorter.

*hears someone grumbling how helpful that statement is*

*kicks them away*

Okay, both of us are blessed with very black hair that is neither straight nor curly. We can name is as wavy. No, my brother doesn't have a head of flippy hair.

Its like, wavy with large curls at the end.

That's why I HATE having short hair. Imagine how I'll look like with short curly hair. And no, I don't look good in it.

I just don't do short haircuts.


Getting back to my brother's hair, its the kind that can never be styled. It can't be put up in spikes, or even have a fringe.

So what he tries to achieve is the usual "run fingers in hair in some pattern" routine so it gets some kind of volume or shit.

And somehow, he makes me do this when he wants to go out.

*winks* Hanis got the touch.

Wow, that sounds so wrong.

But oh well, just wait till I can run my hand in Marky Mark's hair. You'll be jealous.


Peace Out.

Quickie.

Notice the lack of updates?

Blame

1. My chores. I got loads of them.

2. My treadmill. I'm having 30 mins appointments with it.

3. My napping, wait, blame my bed for being damn comfy.

4. My Nano.

Talking about that, remember the little widget I was talking about in the post before this? *points downwards* Well, that thing had reallly helped me cause I've managed to write more than the 6667 words goal of 4 days. Wooohhoooo.

Yeah, that was just for gloating purposes.

Don't worry, an excerpt is in the coming.

Love you guys.

Peace Out.

Its Like An Answer From Above

I've been lazy. I mean, apart from doing chores and whatnot. I've been lazy in my writing. Let's pretend I'm not few days behind. But today, I was browsing NanoWriMo's forums when I saw it.

I heard some harp music being played. It was like the fountain of youth has been revealed to me. Lights came from above, like a spotlight. I nearly fell to my knees in joy and pure relief. I wanted to offer my godchild to the person who posted the answer.

What was it? It was a link for something that might help with your word count. Let me go get an excerpt:

Write or Die is a web application that encourages writing by punishing the tendency to avoid writing. Start typing in the box. As long as you keep typing, you’re fine, but once you stop typing, you have a grace period of a certain number of seconds and then there are consequences.

The consequences = annoying sounds from what I read. I've managed to avoid it by setting a goal of 400 words which I wrote under 10 mins. But if you stop, the page starts getting pink and then red. *manage to avoid the sound at the last minute, twice*

I know, you might say the quality of the words might be meh. But this is the word count that matters. NaNoWriMo is all about the 50,000 words in 30 days. We can edit it and all after that. So if you're interested to try it out, do click on this and the application is on the right hand side.

Peace Out.

Squealing at Such Pretty Drawings.

Today, is officially my lazy day. I napped a lot when I'm not off my feet doing chores. My lappie was on while I was snoring with the afternoon sunlight filtering in through the curtains. I'm not up to par on today's word count. Wooohoo. Lazy Day no.1 is here.

I'm also in a crappy mood right now. Like, total crappy moood. Blergh. I have so much hate and misery in me sometimes that I feel like bleeding those emotions out. Don't worry, I'm not talking about cutting myself because I'm scared of self-inflicted pain. And blood.

Blergh.

But today's ray of sunshine is this amazing cute blog I found today. Its an art/drawing one which is different than my usual taste of private life blogs. But I just found the drawing style cute and I emailed the blogger who's a sweeeetie (she replied!) and I thought I'll share today's ray here.

I wanna steal her talent

Peace Out.

Ramblings After Typing.

If you've read this little blabbering of mine, you'll know that I'm super eager for November. Right now, its 10.11 pm of the 1st of November. I know you're wondering how was my first day of torture writing and yadayada.

Let me see, I waited for midnight and the moment the date on my laptop changed to 1st November, I started to type. Yes, I was that kiasu. But meh. I was obsessed in getting to the daily goal of 1,667 words. That goal is basically 50,000 divided by 30 days.

And if I may steal your attention for a bit, if you take a look at the sidebar on the right, you'll see a coooool word count widget I put over there and you can see how many words I'm in already. Yes people, its a bit higher than the first day's 1,667. No, I won't stop gloating. I do this for a reason.

If I do more, it means more to make up for my lazy days which is bound to happen.

:D I know, amazing plan, true?


I know you're probably wondering what the hell is my novel about. Well, to put it simply, the vampires in it won't sparkle. HAH.

Okay, its a mix of science fiction, romance, fantasy and adventure. For now. You writers know how crazy those plot bunnies are. They keep changing their mind and this novel might end up an erotic fiction I can't show off to my parents.

God, please no.

Not that I'm gonna show off to my parents, who barely know or care that I write. I'll just show it off to future boyfriends and wow them with my words. Okay, I got sidetracked there a bit.

*clears throat*

What is this novel about?

Well, erm, that would be telling ;)

Wahahahaha.

Fine, I admit it. I don't know how to explain it yet, but maybe when I've reached like, 10,000 words or something, I'll give you guys a chance to read an excerpt :D

Deal?

As long as you guys only read it and act suprised when the book gets published and Hanis ends up richhhh and famous with her own Wiki page.

.....

Did I say that out loud?

Oh well, a girl can dream.

I'm off for a nap now =)

Peace Out.

We Treated Love Like a Sport.

Slightly Serious With Some Miley.

Raise your hand if you've watched Hannah Montana.

Yes, I know you watched it cause your sister/cousin/kid/godkid wanted to watch it.

What do you think of that show?

*gives a moment for you to think of that*

My opinion? I kinda like the first season. But then when the show got big and Miley Cyrus got big too I got annoyed with Hannah Montana. I don't remember when I started to think Miss Montana is actually a bad role model.

:O

I know, I'm talking about role models. I'm not a good one myself. I'm a lazy person who loves last minute studying, have trouble cleaning up my room and on and on and on. I'm not always polite but I do try to be even when the older person is just a plain bitch.


But honestly, am I the only one who noticed that Hannah Montana is lacking in the manners department. I know, its a tv show so its not Miley but the producers/scriptwriters must have written her that way.

She's rude.

Most of the time with her dad.

And its not plain teenager rude.

Its "I'm better than you" rudeness.


And this leads to Miss Cyrus.


I have a higher opinion on Bella Swan compare to her. FYI, I think Bella Swan is a joke. So that's how low I think of this young celebrity.


I'm not touching the matter of her style of dressing. Its her body so she can be a slut if she wants to be. But there's a big difference of her looking like a slut and Kesha or whoever else looking like a slut. Wait, Kesha looks like a stoned party girl while Katy Perry looks like a total flirt. Hmmm, I have no idea for now but I'll get back to this. The difference is she came from Disney and yes, it might not be her fault but I know she has enough money to get some public relations advice.

Miss Cyrus, stop trying to push away your young fans too hard. And yes, I think your latest singles suck. Last song of yours that I liked was The Climb. Can't Be Tamed = a joke.


And of course, stop saying stupid things. I know you don't want to continue your studies. Why can't all you child stars be like Emma Watson? Okay, not everyone is smart enough to go to Brown University but come on, education is important. And you're gonna get more than that scroll at the end of it all. You'll get fucking common sense.


Some might say she's young which equals to the silly stuffs coming from her. I say she has enough money to get a manager, or again, the public relations officer or whatever.

Call me a snob, but I appreciate education. If you for some reason can't afford a proper one, just make sure you read and be intelligent. As I've said before, intelligence is a major turn on brownie point in my book.

And of course, it will lessened the number of people laughing at the words from your mouth.


Here's a kid I hope won't grow up like Miss Cyrus.

Peace Out.

Doing The Countdown Thingie.

In less than 5 hours, it will officially be November and I can start on my torture journey to 50, 000 words. I know, there's 4 zeros and some might find that daunting. Including me but I see this as a challenge and a productive way to fill up my free time. Of course:

Free time = Time I have - chores- report writing- presentation slides preparing


I can do it. I hope.


And oooh oooh, I got an award :D

Will tell more on that later.


Peace Out.

4 hours 6 mins more.

A Short One for Blog Whoring Moment.

The lovely Jodie has featured me as one of her guest poster :D

*is too excited*

The post in question is an old one from my previous blog. Yes, the blog I privated since the No.3 and I ended. It was a personal lovey blog that would be torture to read.

Why didn't I delete it?

I'm a sucker for memories.

Anyway, November is tommorow. Woooohooo.

Peace Out.