Birthday Post: Letter to My Future.

This is the second letter of my birthday celebration. Its shorter than the first one, but how do you write to your future self?

Dear 33 year old Hanis,

I hope you're an older, more awesome, more gorgeous than ever and more confident version of me. Well, to be honest, I've struggled with this letter for few weeks now, wondering what should I write. In the end, I have to admit that this letter would be a series of questions. I'll try to limit the number.

How's the family, which I mean Mama, Dad and Lil Bro.

How many things have you done on the bucket list and please tell me you've gone bungee jumping.

Where did you end up deciding to go for your first ever trip? Was it Australia or Disney World? Or perhaps some Wild Card like Brazil?

Did you and Mokesart went with your plan B? Or are you the godmother of babies that are in need of a hairbrush?

How's the novel going? Please tell me its at least completed. Or perhaps its one of the bestsellers? *wink wink*

Haha, I think that's about it. I hope you're celebrating your 33th birthday wonderfully with people that you love.

Love,

23 year old Hanis.

Birthday Post: Letter to My Past.

Yes, I'm officially 23 now. As celebration of my birthday, I've written two letters. Here is the first one, I'll be posting the second one later.

Dear 13 year old Hanis,

Do you want the good news or bad news first? Well, you won't be a doctor, or a fashion designer. You'll be doing something more unique and different but I'm not telling.

That awkward feeling inside you? Don't fight it. Just stop trying to fit yourself into some cookie cutter personality, those are boring.

High school would breeze by, enjoy it. You'll discover a talent next year and about those crooked teeth, you'll be getting braces in few months.

I think you know that you're a closet romantic but this will be proven soon, a hopeless one. The crushes you will have? Disasters. But you'll only really like 2 guys. Good luck knowing who. Hint: You know one of them already. My advice: Snare him now.

I wish I can give you some dietary advice but that might just result in you not developing your personality in order to make yourself feel better. Be strong, chin up.

Life in the next 10 years would be a rollercoaster but you'll be proud of who you are at the end. And trust me, you'll be able to think and say:

"So what if he doesn't like me? I'm awesome and he's missing out."

One word: Gorgeous. You'll never be that typical, overused word of beautiful. Oh yes, you'll blush for the first time when you're 17. And you'll experience another first then too.

Don't worry too much, you're lucky to have supportive parents, yes, they might seem controlling but at 23, you'll be proud of them and how they raised you.

One last thing, I miss the lack of cynicsm you had. Blame that on some idiots.

Love,

23 year old Hanis.

Drinking Obsession.

Its the third day of Ramadan and I already see the pattern this time around. For my 17th Ramadan of fasting, I am obsessed with drinks.

Like, I'll think what drink will fill up that jug on the table when we break our fast. I'll open the fridge and ogle the bottles of cold water. I'll think of how I'll make a nice tall glass of Iced Milo before bedtime. I'll look at the jug of water on my table, telling myself that I'm gonna drink it all down.

God Hanis, you're supposed to be a pro at this fasting gig.

On the first day, we had rose syrup with lemon. Yesterday we had a combination of rose syrup, ice cream soda and condensed milk which is so yummylicious. Today, I'll sooth my throat with some Sunquick.

Oh yes.

Right now, I'm just imagining all the drinks I'll be drinking once Ramadan ends. I'll be wasting all my money on those sugary cold drinks. Such as those chocolate mint bubble teas and that venti dark mocha. Perhaps I'll make a jug of iced lemon tea, or just a tall glass of iced water.

Can you just imagine all the drinks you can have? All that coolness sliding in your mouth and throat.

skdjalkjdsakjsasla


Excuse me while I go and wait for time to break my fast with a glass of cold Sunquick.

Two Years of Ranting and Mindless Babbling.

Happy 2nd Birthday to I Don't Do Boys.

Yes, I still think most guys today are boys caught up with such shitty ideas in their heads. But I've matured in these two years. My blogging ways has change.

As in:

1. I curse less. Unless its a rant.

2. I don't do multi posts a day, anymore.

3. I usually let a post idea roll around in my head, for at least few hours instead of just whinging it.

4. I rarely mention No 1, No 2 and No 3 anymore.

5. I've moved on from Marky Mark and is now, totally want Joe Santagato to be the father of my babies.

6. Two years ago, I was turning 21 in 4 days, now, I'm turning 23 in 4 days.

7. I still love reading, chocolate and McDonald's fries.

8. I'm still broke.

9. I don't give a care anymore on getting married. If it happens, it will. Meanwhile, I'll spend my time worrying on saving up for my future trip to either Australia or Disney World.

What else, oh oh this:

Top Three Posts

Carbon Neutral? You Bet Your Ass.

A Tale of Pierced Ears.

After a Week, Finally a Post.

Top Three Pages

For My Stalkers.

Letter to Cupid.

Before I Die, I'll


I want to thank all of my followers and readers. Also my commenters. If I wasn't so broke, I'll be holding some kind of random giveaway of one of my books with a Snickers bar.

Perhaps next year.

Yes, I still owe a post about the picture. I'll do it.. sometime soon.

Oh oh, its the first day of Ramadhan so all I want is a large bag of McDonald's fries.

Thank you, keep on reading.

Rant with Some Feminism.

Back in my grandmother's days, people say that education should not be wasted on women.As long as they know how to write, read and do the basic math, that is enough and off to learn in the kitchen they went.

Back in my mother's days, people say that no matter how qualified a woman's education and work is, they will still go back to the kitchen.

I thought now, in 2012, only idiots who were brought up by mothers who lack female empowerment or fathers who teach their kids that women are below men, would be the one sprouting such shitness.

If it's a guy who said those kind of things, he's an arsehole who would one day get slapped for saying something like that.

If a girl who said those kind of things, I'm going to go all emo bitch feminist on her ass.

Last week, I got super mad at what perhaps might be one of the most stupid things I heard coming from a girl, and trust me, I've heard plenty enough.

"But he's rich."

Talking about wealth, you can only be proud of it when its yours. Not when its money from your parents' wallet. Its nothing to be proud of too if its heritage.

"Women have to marry early."

What the fuck. So do enlighten me, when you're getting married, is it because you want to or is it because its the right thing to do?

"If you marry late, the chance of you getting a Down Syndrome is bigger."

Back up a bit. First of all, not everyone gets married to have a baby.

"So you're gonna get marry just for sex."

Oh ho ho. Those are words from someone who's clearly still immature hence still thinking that if someone "likes sex", they're a slut/ho/immoral.

So you're gonna get married because you have to and have babies because you have to too? First rule of becoming a parent: Just cause you can have babies, doesn't mean that you'll be a good parent.

"If you don't have kids, who's gonna take care of you when you're old?"

Oh god. Such noble intention of having children. TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. Stop being so freaking dependant.

"Islam makes it compulsory for its followers to marry and have kids, expand the number of Muslims."

BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. That is really the worst crap I ever ever ever heard.

*takes a deep breath to calm myself down*

.
.
.
.
.

Alright, I'm calm.

The thing that really got me mad was the fact that those things came from a girl. I was this close to saying something really bad. And another thing that happened last year was when I heard some friends saying they want a husband with good religious presence so they can guide their wife.

Ok, I know we should look for something like that, but why don't you just go and fucking guide yourself? This is not one of those silly Malay novels where the wild city girls meet that nice religious guy who will help them turn over a new leaf.

As Mama said, if you want a nice guy, be nice yourself.

End of Things.

Hello hello.

I'm back at home, no more studying since my last subject, Pension Mathematics was yesterday. Now, this is going to be a post touching on many things which are mostly plans for the coming days.

How was your finals?

God, I felt like quitting my Degree and become a cashier at the nearest McDonald's few times over the span of 3 weeks.

For my first subject, Fundamentals of Data Mining, it went okay-ish but it was full of terms that clearly went through the Synonyms machine. I finished it 40 minutes early and since there was nothing else to do, I passed up and left early.

For Technology Entrepreneurship, I thank the person who emailed his friends the topics that might come out. It helped tremendously for a subject with 10 long chapters made for memorising. I finished this one way earlier. 80 minutes and I was out of the 3 hour test.

The third one, Survival Models is the one that made me feel my worst ever since I started my Degree. Can you imagine that everyone around me was getting the subject but I was still trying to get a grasp of it right until the night before? After I had called my mom and cried to her that I just don't understand this subject. And outside the examination hall, I was pale, hands shaking so badly. Blergh.

Financial Economics was right after a busy weekend. Minimal time to study for my favourite subject. And due to some time wasting factors, misleading tips and confusing questions, I said goodbye to the A I was expecting.

And then it all ended with Pension Mathematics. A subject that I had no input right until last Tuesday. To sum it up, I don't feel good.


I heard there's gonna be two important things next week.

YESSSS. On the 21st it is my blog's second birthday. Woohoo. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but expect a monologue on how things have changed.

And then, on the 25th, I'm turning 2320 so I'm celebrating it by writing two letters. One to my 13 year old self and one to my 33 year old self.

I'm also persuading my parents for a new watch, which they won't let me choose myself.


What are your holiday plans?

Teach my brother. Sleep. Read. Do nothing. I mean, try to get some money from somewhere. Buy books. Get a new phone.

Did anything rant worthy happened in those 3 weeks?

Oh yessssss. I'll make a rant post sometime soon, which was inspired by a moment where I was so close to saying:

Quoting Quinn Fabray from Glee, "I think you just set the feminist movement 50 years back with that."

Stay tune for that.

What books are you planning to read?

The collection of ebooks in my laptop which also have the 10th installment of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. Books I'm gonna borrow from the library. Books I plan to buy, which is gonna inculde the latest from Jodi Picoult.


What are you gonna cook this semester break?

Since it will be Ramadhan super soon, I don't know. I'm just going to pig out now before fasting starts. And drink tons of water.

About the picture...

Oh, that picture was taken at a wedding. I'll do a post on that soon. Hopefully. But here's another picture from that event.

Picture First, Story Later.

My Brain is a Douchebag.

I wrote this days ago. But trust me, this happens.

Most of the time, my brain is pretty nice to me. But when finals are approaching, it turns into a mega douchebag.

Last night, I was about to fall asleep around 1 in the morning when my brain suddenly decided to shout out equations that I had to use few hours earlier. Did that help me doze off? No.

Based on the two previous semesters, the level of douchebaggery would increase over time.

After this, it will take the pleasure to remind me of the things I still haven't covered every single time I'm about to nap/fall asleep.

Then, when the exam is really close I'll be sitting up in bed suddenly, cold sweat from the thought my brain just sent with such clear clarity.

"You will get a B fail."

And on the day of the exam, it will decide to take some overtime by poking at me with "You'll forget everything the moment you see the questions." which can get really convincing.

So by the time I'm sitting behind the desk, writing down my name while waiting for the time to start, I'll be pale, hands shaking, heart beating fast while my mouth runs dry.

Once its all over, my brain would repeat the process for the next subject.

Until I finish all of them.

Then, my brain will take a holiday where it will occasionally pop up to remind me.

"Remember how you answered that question wrong? That just kicked your A to a C"

Once a week till I get my results. It will even make me dream of failing my finals in my sleep.

Oh joy.

Ten Minutes to Midnight.

I wrote this last night while being so sleepy. So excuse the sentences/mistakes. The first exam went okay-ish. I hope.

Its 29 minutes to midnight, 29 minutes to Saturday. 9 hours and 29 minutes to my first paper.

My body is so exhausted that I spent the last 90 minutes reading my notes, muttering to myself the 11 steps of the Directed Data Mining Methodology. I've lived on 8 hours of sleep since Wednesday. No, I didn't spent the rest studying. Well, half were spent studying/discussing/wishy washy around with my notes in front of me.

Its become routine for me to wake up at 8-8.30 in the morning. Read, write notes while taking frequent short breaks by playing Peggle or watching 5 minutes from an episode of House.

I haven't talked to Mokesart since Monday night. He's been MIA, I've been studying with such a lack of good internet connection. Let me give you a recap on how my week went so far.

Monday: Woke up at 8.30, studied/watched House, spend time in library for about 4 hours, have dinner, study then sleep.

Tuesday: Holed myself up in my room, studying/watching House/play games.

Wednesday: Studied in the morning, went to study with friends in Starbucks. I was really hungry for my first meal at 3pm so I bought an Iced combination from Krispy Kreme. Did you know that they got some donuts that aren't overly sweet?
Had dinner, go back, studied.

Thursday: Woke up at 8, was at library by 10.30 before having lunch at 3.30. Stayed till closing time at 6 (I fully believe that libraries should be 24-Hours). Got back to room at 10 minutes to 7. And then, went to another library at 8. Stayed till 12, went for late late dinner and was in bed at 3.

Friday: Woke up at 7.55, cried "I neeed more sleeeep" into my pillow before getting ready. Went breakfast with friends, arrived at library at 10. Had lunch. Discussed topics. Starbucks' Happy Hour, my Dark Mocha was half price. No, I'm not wide awake. Had dinner of Naan bread. And here I'am.

Ten minutes to midnight.

Tuesday Morning.

Usher is crooning "I'm your man, you're my girl, I'm gonna tell the whole wide world" in my ear as I sit here, 20 mins to 9am of Tuesday. Beside my laptop is the pile of books I'm becoming a slave to. Oh how I wish its a pile of books by J.R. Ward, Stephen King and Marian Keyes instead of "Survival Models and Their Estimation", the answer guide to that book and my notebook.

I've started mentally counting the hours I spend studying everyday though I know that its the quality, rather than the quantity as proven by last semester. Which just reminds me of the heavy expectation on my shoulders. My parents haven't said anything but from their casual questions on my exam schedule, I know what they're hoping.

Trust me, I have my pride pushing me on.

Beside me is a mug of instant coffee, luke warm and just waiting for my first sip, unlike the half empty bottle of mineral water. Hah, just proven to you guys that I'm the half empty glass kinda person.

I'll be going to the library today, study and discuss with friends. Then after dinner, I'll try to put in some more hours. Unlike the popular method of students, I don't stay up late to study. If I do, I'll be sleeping till noon, wasting the day and messing up my body's schedule. So I had to turn down a friend's invitation of studying all night at the library with her and another friend.

"You got brown eyes, like no one else."

The coffee is bitter and milky in my mouth. Perhaps I should start studying a bit, before I get the call that we're going to the library.

That Pain.

I honestly don't envy the people who goes through life never feeling that way. To never feel that hopeful pain which in my opinion, belongs to the list of things that changes someone. Perhaps, it will make you feel pathetic but then, in the long run it might just make you grow up a bit more.

I've grown up plenty the past year.

Confession No.37

For I have not known,

Temptation till now.

Oh, You're So Modest.

"Oh you're just being modest."

Modesty is something sensitive. If you don't be all modest, you're seen as cocky. If you overdo it, its really annoying and borders with holier-than-thouness.

I've known this girl who praised me to the sky when I got high marks for a test, but when she's one of the highest she goes on how it was just luck and that it took her double the effort to get those marks.

The same thing goes for nearly every single test and I'm told that I'm rich when I buy a new book.

It smacked of something icky and it was annoying as hell.

I've known people who really grabbed onto their "weakness" and squeeze the self pity juice out of it.

Like, how they didn't score a well for a subject.

"You know me, I'm dumb when it comes to so and so."

Or how they don't have the fucking stupid standard of Asian beauty aka fair skin.

"I'm so dark."

To the first, I pffted and rolled my eyes, telling them they're crap.

To the second, I told them that Akon is dark. Black, if you must. And that being fair skinned doesn't mean you're pretty.

Oh, but isn't this a bit of Hanis being a hypocrite?

I've said to Mokesart numerous times of me being ugly/fat/not so pretty but let me tell you, its not me being "modest". Its me being realistic of how fucked up the society is.

When I say "Who wants to be my boyfriend?" it doesn't mean I'm feeling self pity. It means that I pity the guys who's missing out this fine piece of specimen.

Even though I can say that I'm gorgeous, amazing, wonderful and a total great catch, I still get my down phases but still, I don't go all "humble" on your asses.

And when I do, Mokesart is ready to give me a cyber smack on the back of my head. (Yes, this is sappy-ish)

And when I go "I can't do this subject, I'm going to faillll!!"

It is just me being dramatic and panicky. I know I'm smart enough and when I fail, its usually due to my laziness and super bad time management.

So, stop being so "modest", be realistic.

Stop your self pity, pity the people who don't see your amazingness.

*bows*

Untitled Story.

Due to being busy + shitty internet + still feeling sick, I'm making up for it with this short story I wrote. I'll be blogging this weekend, hopefully. I plan to show you my schedule for the upcoming month. So, do read, comment and if you're nice, read my old posts.




The Doctor.


The clock's ticking was the only sound in the office. The man behind the desk was reading the last entry he wrote in the log book he had on his desk. The salt and pepper fringe over his forehead didn't hide the line between his brows, or the worry in his eyes. He pressed a button on the telephone.

"Can you cancel the rest of my appointments for the week Miss Green?"

"Very well Doctor."

You pay my salary, you get whatever you want.

His last client had somewhat took the breath out of him barely 30 minutes ago. It was a man in his early 30's, full of denial of the tragic event that fell on him 3 months ago. So the Doctor thought from the moment he first met the man 3 weeks ago until 30 minutes ago.

He was unaware. Surprised. Shocked. The way his eyes widened when the Doctor had asked him in the most gentle manner of how he was coping with the death.

"What death Doctor?"

Oh denial.

"Your wife's."

The words were half whispered but the effect was physically seen. Hurt. Shock. His head had swivelled to the left, his lips trembling.

"You're not dead."

The Doctor taught it was meant for him but when his client went into a conversation with an unseen person beside him, the Doctor knew.

The Man

"That man is out of his mind."

He had went on about the sanity, the professionalism, the validity of the Doctor's license from the moment he had stormed out of the office, into the car before driving back home at an unreasonable speed.

Beside him, the woman stared out of the window with sadness in her eyes. Her fingers curled around the edges of her knees as the car slowed down and swerved into their driveway.

"I should complain about him to the Board."

He killed the engine, muttering darkly as he went to open the passenger door, not noticing how pale his wife was as he led her into their house. Their sanctuary.

Taking off his jacket, the man hung it on a hook with an air of determination. He's going to go into his study and get the Doctor's license revoked. Then, he'll take his lovely wife out for an early dinner.

Its been a long time since they've went out. Since the terrible loss they experienced.

"I'm going to make some calls."

"Don't."

'I won't let him get away with what he said today."

"But he was telling the truth."

Lies, all lies.

The Wife

She stood at the doorway of the study they shared. Two big desks facing each other in front of the big window. The only light came from the streetlights outside, the room as dark as her husband's denial.

He had sat behind his desk for the past hour, occasionally muttering under his breath. His face still had that stricken look from her words. When he spoke, he sounded like death.

"When did you.. when did it happened?"

"3 months ago. The miscarriage."

"But I thought they said you'll be okay."

"I lost too much blood."

She had woken up, fully aware that things had changed. Wondering why she didn't move on to the other side until she saw her husband sitting beside her bed. He had smiled at her and her heart broke. She knew what he didn't.

So she had stayed with him for 3 months, telling him she took off time from work to cope with losing the baby. He in turn, had decided they needed to see the Doctor for some counselling.

When you're in denial, you ignore so many obvious clues.

In the two heartbeat of silence, she knew what his mind is thinking.

"I can't stay much longer."

The pained nod her husband gave made the tear run down her cheek.

With June Comes Planning.

Finals is starting end of this month, up to mid of July. Then on the 21st, the holy month of fasting will start which means that for the first time in my 23 years, my birthday is during a fasting month.

Right now I'm just thinking how much information I need to cram, understand and absorb. I'm feeling a heavier burden compared to last semester. God.

This time around the schedule is not as insane as before. No 3 papers in a row. No cramming in 5 papers in 10 days. I'm thankful for that but still, I need to set up my studying schedule. What subject to study when. This might seem silly to others but for me, its done to stop me from panicking.

You know, the panicking where you feel like there's plenty of other topics in other subjects for you to study. But then if you want to study another subject, you realised that you know shit on the one you're currently trying to study. BOOM.

That is how, boys and girls, I once found myself curled up in a blanket, crying that I'll fail. (Well, I did but that's like in my dark diploma days)

Yes, I do offer my services in helping you plan your studying. Haha. For a fee of a book.

Talking of books, I try to not buy any a month before finals in order to motivate myself in getting through those exams. But then, this is when there's this bookstore holding a stock clearance sale. While another is selling books for half the normal price. God, why now?

With that, I end this post with my normal welcoming of a new month.

How My Days Went.

I had such plans for this one week holiday. Such grand self enjoying plans.

I was going to watch a movie, write up some notes, blog plenty and finish up some assignments. But as they say about the best laid plans, it didn't go that way.

After taking care of a sickly brother, it was perhaps the most logical thing to happen. I fell sick myself. I was feverish, experincing pain in every single muscle and joint, coughing and even got a bit hallucinating the first night.

I got better but that was just the meds because I got sick again. And before I knew it, its nearly the end of my week off.

*sheds tear*

Oh well, here's a funny story that made Mokesart laughed. Yesterday in the car, my brother changed to his playlist from the radio. Which led to me whining to change it back. He then told me that he'll change it back if I can sing along to one of the songs.

His playlist = Eminem, Linkin Park etc.

He clearly thinks I only know Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and One Direction.

So Mama laughed so hard when I managed to sing to Eminem's Lose Yourself and Papa Roach's Scar.

Word of advice: If you want to win, choose songs that weren't hitting the airwaves often.

Now, its my 3rd nap time of the day.

Adios.

When One Thing Goes Wrong, Another Follows.

Its my 2nd one week break of this semester. Its only been 2 days in but god, its been so hectic.

First of all, my phone's touchscreen killed itself few days ago, then when I got back home on Friday afternoon, my half of my laptop keyboard decided to join A,Q and Z in their early retirement plan. With no notice.

Of course I got a mini hissy fit where Mama told me to calm my ass down (nicely) and to think logically. So on Saturday, I set off to get some things done.

1. Pick up my new glasses
2. Send in my phone to be repaired
3. Buy a USB keyboard

My glasses look perfect. A nice green but I'm still in love with my old black with white swirly designs one.

Apparently, the touchscreen is not under waranty and it would cost me 100 ringgit ish to get it repaired, and there's no guarantees it would stay functional for eternity as long as I use it. So, I'm now using this old phone, where there's not even Snake on it for me to play. And yes, some of the buttons require patience.

I bought a pretty keyboard which I'm using right now.

Today, is my cousin's wedding. Yesterday, my parents went over to help with things. Malaysian or Malay weddings are soooo family oriented that the whole family comes together and helps out. But then *Dum dum DUM*, my brother got really sick yesterday, with a super high fever.

Which led to us both staying at home (so I can take care of him) where I spent the day cooking, buying those fever patches, taking care of him and frankly, falling sick myself.

I spent 20 minutes sitting on the shower floor, with the water running while I sang Call Me, Maybe. Mokesart said:

"You're either ill or depressed."

I think its a mix of both. No, I'm not depressed from taking care of my brother but from something that happened earlier last week. But then, I think I did pretty well for my Financial Eco test and the lecturer asked me if I could do the questions. Which is always good for me, when the lecturer remembers my name. Most of the time, when the lecturer remembers me and ask me things, I get an A in that subjet.

Yes, I think my mind is moving a bit too fast at the moment due to my activities this weekend. I'll be blogging more with my new keyboard in between trying to squeeze in some studying and assignment doing.

To my cousin, May you have a wonderful loving marriage till the end of your lives.

Words oh Words.

Got a secret,

Don't keep it,

Whisper to me,

It won't pass my lips.

I tried writing a poem yesterday. I knew what I wanted to say. It was to represent the state of my emotions. But for the first time, words failed me.

There were bits so clear in my mind but I didn't know to get to that part. My fingers curled around my pen in frustation before scribbling out my weak attempts.

The short thing up there? Its not the poem I want to write. I had a title for it. The Curse of the Imagination. I wanted to write on how it creates butterflies, plots and such wonders. But then it also pave the road to disappointment.

Le sigh.

I'll just let it stew around more before attempting it again

Music Lessons Planning.

One of the biggest regrets of my childhood is the fact that my parents didn't sent me to any musical classes. No piano lessons, violins or even tap dance.

There might be a slight bit of resentment since my brother took guitar lessons for about 2 years at an age where I begged my parents to let me take drum lessons. But with myself approaching the next phase of my life aka workinghood, I know that I might be able to pay for those lessons myself.

But the thing is that I don't have a specific instrument in mind. I also don't think I'm up to learning from the very bottom. I'm more of the person who listens to a song and thinks "I wish I can play this song on a piano/guitar/drum set/violin."


For instant, I want to be able to tell people that I can play Vivaldi's Storm on a violin. *imagines Mokesart smacking the back of my head, telling me to aim for something easier*


Or, to play the guitar to Hey Monday's 6 Months. Or the drums for Fun's We are Young. Of course, let's not forget some Taylor Swift's songs.


I think apart from Storm, most of the songs I want to learn aren't that complicated (Might be very wrong since I'm music blind)


So if I ever get married to a music-inclined person Mokesart, I'll make him teach me what I can before finding me hot instructors. That is, after he teach me how to pirate properly and not just listen to the wonderfully addictive song.

Do what you want, Cause a pirate is free, You are a pirate *dances to the song*

Heartbreak: Hanis.

Someone sent me a message through this link here and that led to some emailing back and forth. Which led to me asking for blogging ideas. She suggested:

How does a heartbreak feel like?



Well.


It feels similiar yet different every time, like different brands of milk chocolate bars for the chocolate lover.

The last one that was strong enough to physically hurt me reminded me of the one I went through when No 3 dumped me.


I'm not one of those women who's all for women power, listening to "I Will Survive" while talking about how its his loss barely a week after the break and I'm not embarassed about that. I admire girls who can do that though but I don't want to be like that.

I'm very emotional and I cry while screaming soundlessly into my pillow. I tear up while studying/doing chores. I let myself feel every single hurt. Dwell over the thoughts. I listen to "Unbreak My Heart" over and over. Isn't it bad for me? Perhaps. But its a part of me, just like the part that made me write poems and stories inspired by the guy I have intense feelings for.


So how does a heartbreak feels like to me?


Like I'm being broken to pieces before being put back, a bit different than before. Fragile but stronger.


Its like a bitter rebirth.

Writing this was an experience that made me look into myself. Maybe you should try it. How does a heartbreak feels like? If you haven't experienced one, how do you think it would feel like? Do write a post on this. You don't even have to post it. Just tell me.

Losing Followers. It Never Gets Easier.

To the 4 people who decided to unfollow my blog in the month of May, I thank you.

Why? For breaking my heart and making me wish the number of followers is actually my weight in lbs.

If you followed due to me following you while I was on my commenting spree, you might have unfollowed me due to my lack of comments now. I read. But due to my busy schedule, I don't comment much.

But yes, you made a BIG mistake. You lost a great blog to read in your boredom. Boohoo.


To my other followers, I love you.

50 Things I Wish I Can Say/Do.

Here's the list. Writing it was interesting. Things I never thought of just came up. I didn't write the list down in order because that's just the way I'am.

I had Mokesart take a look at it, in case any of those 50 things didn't count. So please enjoy this list and perhaps tell me if any of them might also be something you wish you can say/do.

1. Go up to this one girl and tell her off for being such a holier-than-thou born again who so deserves a bitch slap for what she did to a friend of mine.

2. Be brave enough to ask a guy out, not choke on my words the way I did the other day. (Why did I even think about it?)

3. Side parking.

4. Reverse parking.

5. Being able to go into a bookstore and choose a book under ten minutes.

6. Tell that ex crush of mine that I was clearly high on something during my very brief interest on him.

7. Laugh off any comments about my weight.

8. Send a message to someone who used to be one of my closest friend and tell her that perhaps, we should have kept in contact.

9. Not let that someone put down everything I say about food/ what I like to eat.

10. Go bungee jumping at the theme park .

11. Finish my novel, Xandria.

12. Hug Louis Tomlison one day and get hugged back.

13. Stop fearing rejection.

14. Get in contact with a Jenny who I was friends with in Eakin Elementary.

15. Look up this one Matthew I had my very first crush on at the tender age of 7 and accuse him of setting the standard for phsyical attraction tell him of the childish crush that lasted for 2 years.

16. Sew, even a button is enough for me.

17. Brush the back of my hand against his, again.

18. Compile a collection of my short stories and notes on them.

19. Have a date at a theme/amusement park where we'll try to ride all the thrill rides.

20. Not having to execute Plan C which in turn makes him not having to execute his Plan B.

21. Talk to No.1.

22. Do that ridiculous thing I did last year. (While ignoring that I failed that time.)

23. Proudly tell people in my life that yes, I write and I hope to make something out of it one day.

24. Tell my Additional Math teacher who had told me that I would never be pursuing something that uses advanced mathematical skills due to my poor grades (due to her poor teaching skills and obvious preferences for smart students) that I'm in my final year for a Bachelor's Degree in Actuarial Science. HAH. Take that.

25. Join in a Speakers' Corner, even once.

26. Start small talk with strangers or semi-strangers.

27. Draw a perfect circle in one try.

28. Lose that bet.

29. Keep a diary and write in it for a year. (Last time I did that, I was a mere teenager with the need to write down every single feeling)

30. Stay up all night, watching the stars with someone I feel comfortable with.

31. Fill up my Travel Tin within 2-3 years which will take a lot of will power.

32. Feel that flutter in my heart.

33. Look into a mirror without thinking a single criticism.

34. Tell him that he was the first person ever to made me blush.

35. Tell one girl from high school in a face to face conversation that I feel sorry for her and her matryr behaviour.

36. Keep on remembering certain people by the way they smell.

37. Finish writing that "Dream Partner" essay that's been sleeping in one of my folders for about 2 years now.

38. Tell him that "I'm beautiful and you're just blind and dumb not to agree with that.".

39. Tell some people that they clearly underestimate my growing up as a person when they're the ones who's still stuck in high school mode.

40.Tell that someone that I think they're just desperate, grasping at any opportunity.

41. Go up to this one person and tell them "Hey you. More attention on me. Thank you."

42. Tell my homeroom teacher in 5th grade what every student in the school was thinking when we were told that she'll be moving to some war-torn country due to her husband's job.

43. Stop dreaming of certain people then analysing the meaning behind those dreams.

44. Tell some people I know that they're too materialistic, considering their background.

45. Walk into a room/around places with people without imagining the bad things those people are thinking about my appearance.

46. Tell off someone who smokes around non-smoking people.

47. Read a book without peeking aka reading the last chapter just to know the ending before I get there.

48. Stop caring what relatives think about me. (I'm the black sheep on one side, the loser/boring one on the other.)

49. Call him and tell him thank you for giving me one of life's experiences.

50. Successfully bake a cake (My baking failure it seems)

Birth of the Travel Tin

I went out with a classmate during a nice afternoon due to that day's 4pm class being cancelled. We took 2 bus, walked a bit and went into different stores. We first found ourselves captivated by a home deco house, my mind filled with ideas of decorating my own house one day.

Then, we went to this store known for its 5 ringgit items and that's where we went wild finally took out our purses.

I was tempted by this print of a painting of a woman in a cream dress, a big hat that covers most of her face except for the bottom. Then I was tempted by the collection of make-up bags.

But then I saw the best thing ever. On a shelf were a row of piggy banks shaped like one of those collection tins. What caught my eye was the design, how every tin had a well-known landmark of a city and its name.


I know, its SO coooool, right?

Haha. I bought it, for a mere 5 ringgit with a purpose in mind.

I'm going to fill it up until its so heavy, until I can't even fit in the smallest coin. Then, I'll smash it open so I can use the amount for my first ever travel, location to be determined.

It might be used for the airplane ticket, or it might be my food money, or my shopping money (I seriously doubt that) or it might just be a fraction into the whole budget.

So I'll be starting it this Friday once I finish my studying week, pushing in my balance into it every other week so I'll still have money on hand to buy anything aka books/iced chocolate drink/cakes.

You guys are of course most welcomed to send in money so I can put it in my Travel Tin

Here's to the hopeful weight increase of my Travel Tin.

Confession No.36

If something doesn't happen soon, I'll scream.

I swear I will.

Or I might just end up doing something extremely stupid.

Blindness Inspired by House and #32.

First of all, I don't mean any insult to law majors. Or any of the other majors I mentioned. I wrote this short fic few weeks ago, the prompt taking me into a whole new plot. While writing this, I was enjoying House MD where the sexy Gregory House had a stick and a badass attitude. I name him the inspiration to the character. Do enjoy. Comment.




#32

Oh god, another party where I'm the only blind person. Well, maybe, since in the past 20 minutes, no one has told me about the other blind person in the room. I also didn't see anyone with a walking stick and a vacant look in their eyes so far. Joke.

The lady in front of me sounds like a law major to me. You know. Full of herself, talk in such a beat-around-the-bush manner while exuding such charm. Not that I have anything against law majors but there has to be a law somewhere that forbids such ego building in someone.

Smiling at something witty she just said, I wondered if she's a brunette with green eyes. I should slip that in sometime tonight. Oh yes, being blind does seem to let me get away with certain things. Such as asking things bluntly.

"So, what are you majoring in?"

"Well, blindness."

I can practically see the horror on their faces. Joke. The law major made a tittering sound, as if considering how to move the topic while the guy beside her chocked back a laughter. Well well, her boyfriend seems to possess more humour than her.

"Did I say blindness? I mean History."

Relief coursed through the air as I paid attention to the boyfriend's voice. It was not too deep, full of long sss. Interesting. He doesn't sound like a law major to me. Too laid back. Tilting my head slightly in a fake interest of the conversation, I tried imagining the guy. Blond wavy hair, careless smile. Perhaps an ink on his biceps. Math major. They won't last the year.

"Excuse me, I see my friend calling me over from the bar."

My departure was awesome. Laughter and the feeling of being insulted lingered around them. My usual preference. Holding onto my walking stick, I raised my glass of virgin mary for a sip. No alcohol for me. Can't drink and drive. Joke.

The lack of tap-tap-tapping of my stick told me the house had carpeting, not too lush though
since my heels didn't sink in. The party was building up, judging by the number of "Ouch" I'm
getting and the number of people that keep bumping into me.

Hello, blind person here. Can't you see?

The air smell like the food. Mexican. Oh god, I'm hungry. Sniffing the air, I made my way towards the source, the taste of tacos already in my mouth. My eagerness made me bump into someone with my elbow digging in their side.

"I'm so sorry. I'm just too excited for the buffet table and well, I can't see you."

"Its okay. Do you need any help?"

Sincerity in voice? Check. Oh and that heavenly cologne? Maybe. I liked his voice enough to slide my hand around his elbow, the glass of virgin mary held firmly. He led me towards the buffet table, the smell getting more intense. Oh yes, he wears such wonderful cologne.

"I see that you have excellent taste in shoes."

Fetish. Or being nice.

"Well, I trust the shop assistant when she described them to me."

"Wise. Cuts down the shopping time I imagine."

Tap-tap-tap.

"Of course."

From the way he's talking, I'm guessing he's a Business major. Low, soothing tones. Based on my experiences, the Business major guys are the best in the sack. They just make me see fireworks. Joke.

The end of my walking stick hits the leg of a chair and the hold of his hand led me to sit on said chair. The thud of the glass in front of me.

"So, its Mexican. One of everything?"

"Yes. You can share some if you want."

My flirting skills needs some refining. I'm just so used to being blunt with guys because hey, I am one gorgeous of a specimen. Even though I can't see the proof of it myself. But by the chuckle Mr Business Major just gave, I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing fireworks. Not that soon, I'm not easy.

The music over here was a bit louder, a mix of current hits and classics. Bobbing my head to the tune, I eavesdropped on nearby conversations.

"I've been sending in my CV to Wall Street firms."

"He proposed to me last week."

"Have you sent in the assignment for Willis' class?"

Just a bunch of final year students in this mixer party. Pre-networking, that's what the law
major had mentioned earlier. Resting my walking stick against the table, I turned my head to the side, listening for the approaching footsteps of my new companion.

"Hello there."

Curious by the unknown voice, I turned my face towards the source, my lips in a small polite smile.

"Hello."

Deep, dark and confident. I'm pretty sure he has sky blue eyes and dark blond hair that looks
so soft.

"I've noticed that you been staring at me from across the room."

Oh shit. Out of all people in this bleeding party that I was blindly staring at, it had to be the good looking jock with plenty of ego?

How do I deal with this? Where is my food anyway?

Clearing my throat, I put on what I hope is my nice face. My don't-think-I'm-a-bitch face.

"I think there's a mistake."

"No no, no need to be shy. I know I'm attractive-"

"But-"

"Someone like you can't just resist staring."

"Someone like me?"

Oh ho ho. That is an insult. I know insults when I see one. Joke.

"Well, someone who's not on the higher shelf, like me. But not to worry, I'm not that picky."

Political science.

"Oh how lucky am I."

"Not many appreciate that part of me."

Too dumb to catch the sarcasm. Hmm. What major can this idiot be in?

"Poor you. But there's something you should know about me first."

Smile. Footsteps approaching from behind me, accompanied by the sounds of plates being balanced. Oh, my saviour.

"What is it?"

Tilt of my head.

"I can perfectly see the ugliness of your personality."

"Excuse me, that is-"

"Even though I'm blind as a bat."

The sound of two plates being set on the table, a chair pulled back and shifting as someone sat on it. Oh, there's that heavenly cologne. Widening my smile, I tilted my head up a bit. Just to show the blank look of my eyes.

Silence. Huff. Retreating footsteps of anger. Chuckle.

"I got you extra salsa since they looked very delicious."

"You're a man after my heart."

"For the salsa?"

Even blind, I can see the sparks between us.

"Maybe."

Smiling, I felt around for the fork before his hand held onto my wrist, placing the utensil on my palm.

"We should see if you'll like my taste in sushi, chocolate and music."

"Just don't take me to an art exhibit."

I Put a New Page. Boom.

I made a new page. Do visit it, all the time. Mr Tomlison would love it.

Hot, Froyo, Tommo.

This is Wednesday's dinner. I know some of you think McDonald's is yucky. Well, I think pork/beer/Burger King/strawberry milk/white chocolate is yucky so we're even. Chicken Foldover is perhaps the best thing ever to appear on the menu, well, apart from the fries (heaven sent). It was taken off the menu few years ago but it came back on Tuesday for limited time.

I suggest we go make a demonstration in front of the McDonald's place to keep it on the menu, while kicking out Big N' Tasty off.

It is so hot over here. I feel like drowning myself in a bathtub of melting ice cubes. My face is itching because apparently, I've consumed too much cookies over the past week. Some parts of my face are red. *cries*

I've done 30% of the list. Its harder than I thought because I'm trying to avoid:

"Tell that girl she's sooo overvaluing her looks."

"Tell that guy he's a jerkface."

"Tell that other girl that I think her boyfriend must be blind, deaf and so desperate."

Yes, it would be easy to do that but I don't want people to think I'm just full of hate for others.

I borrowed 4 books from the library on Thursday, received some ebooks from a wonderful friend on the same day which leaves me with enough books to not study. Haha. He even offered to email me more, tempting me by listing out titles and series I've never read/heard of which made me panicked.

"OMG, there's SO many books I haven't read yet."

I finally told him to stop it till I'm done with my finals. Which is in end of June till mid July. Which reminds me that I should try to beg persuade my parents to get me an ebook reader for this birthday. Mama told me I should work and buy it myself. Hmmf.

Today I went out with Mama and bought myself some froyo. Which then made me think of:

"You say YOLO, I go FROYO."

Hah. I know.

I don't get the whole YOLO thing. Whenever I say it, I think my facial expression matches Spongebob's whenever he's being extremely annoying. Yesterday, a friend said it to me while telling me to do something which the thought alone makes me cringe and want to hide under my bed.

YOLO my foot. I'll stick to froyo. Chocolate, vanilla and red velvet. Oh such goodness. Much better than some overdecorated muffin which people pay 5 ringgit for. WTF is that? Its sweeeet and well, 2 bites and I'm done with it.

When I was in Nashville, cupcakes were muffins with some creamy icing on it and those sugar balls. Nothing taste as good as those, especially today's "cupcakes" aka muffins in make-up. You guys are alll being fooled to pay more (dramatic).

To end this post, I'm giving you a picture of my lovely husband to be.

See, he agrees. Oh Mr Tomlison <3.

Confession No.35

Oh that flutter in my heart,

You got me so flustered.

If I Had More Money.

Prompted by this.

If I had more money, I'll buy myself a nice bookcase, to display my books.

Or I'll buy myself an e-book reader.

Or I'll save most of it for that future trip of mine, destination unknown.

Or I'll buy myself clothes.

Or diet pills

Or I'll buy more books.

Or I'll treat my family to lunch.

First of all, define "more money".

Poll Results.

Since there's only few hours left to the poll, I'll just take the results as it is now.

Clearly, the winner is:

50 Things I Wish I Can Do/Say

*thunks head on table*

First and foremost, this is the one I'm most reluctant to write. Its Mokesart's suggestion so I'm pretty sure he bribed you all to vote for it. So damn his luck, I'm stuck. Haha.

No, I haven't started on the list yet. But I know that those 50 things would fulfill this long criteria:

"These would be the things that I haven't done/said due to shyness, no opportunity/missed out on a chance or common politeness. It won't be something I haven't done due to financial constraints."

Which is just making things way easier personal for me. I bet half the list would be about guys, while the other half would be on scathing thoughts concerning relatives and friends.

Yes, this list would practically be me voicing out my most inner thoughts.

*bangs head on table*

I love you guys for voting but why didn't you vote on something else.

Hmmf.

Monthly Review.

The fourth month of the year has been so-and-so with me. I've done plenty of things (food) and watched things (House M.D) while planned things (How to Procrastinate Studying). Here's some pictures I took for this month.

I saved up money just so I could go out during this mid term break. But on the very last day of class, I came upon a place that sells Victoria's Secret perfumes. Who am I to resist? So, instead of going out to watch movies and stuff myself, I spend time at home, smelling of Vanilla Lace. (Which is super good btw)

I'm still crying when I need to study this subject. I think I understand the concepts but BOOM. I don't. Its interesting-ish. Well, if you ever want to know about pension, don't ask me.

I got this book from a classmate who owed me a book since I did him a favour. Okay, I might have forced him to buy a book without knowing which one I want. So I chose a Stephen King. Next time, I'll get ... something.

Where I live, there's plenty of wireless internet which aren't available to me. Sadness. But this one made me laughed. I think someone might have spend time on 9gag or tumblr. If you ever read this, I want to be your friend.

This is me, being super hungry while waiting for dinner at this semester's Dean's List ceremony. There were about 500-ish recipients for my faculty and more than one hundred from my course alone.

The theme was white and purple so you can see the tiny effort I put in there. Yes, I've experienced severe tanning due to my walking to class.

This is the food I ate. Some kind of rice, with chicken, a boiled egg and veges. I remember going "God, last semester's food was way better" before stuffing my face because I was super hungry.


When it comes to food, I'm a creature of habit if I find something good. This is my typical lunch. Rice, fried chicken (to die for), bergedel (potatoes and pieces of chicken in a ball covered with egg before frying) and some spicy spicy spicy chilli dip. God, I miss this.


Yes, it always comes to food when its me. This is last night's dinner. Fish, prawns, mushrooms and calimari with cream cheese, tartar sauce and chilli sauce at the side. He he he. Yes, hate me.

Confession No.34