What can I say? Enjoy. Peace out.
If I can be honest, right now is the moment, right? I'm staring at the box, scared to open it. Yet I'm curious. I'm curious to read the words you wrote years ago. They must be that important for you to state in your will where the box should go. Eyeing the blue stars on
them, I finally made up my mind.
Pulling the box closer, I gave it a shake and heard tumbling about. Shake again. More tumblings about. Even more curious, I slid off the top and looked inside to see scrolls in a neat row. Each was tied up by a piece of blue ribbon. The shade of blue was familiar. Very familiar. I picked up the scroll that had the number 1 written on the edge and brought it closer to my eyes.
"I'll never use it."
"Its just a roll of ribbon,"
"Its the exact colour of your eyes."
A wave of sadness washed over me at that piece of memory. You always had an obsession over my eyes. The perfect shade of blue you once whispered into my ear in our first week together. If I'm not mistaken you finally found the ribbon in our 3rd month in. You had practically danced into the room and gave me one of those sweet kisses that searched my soul before dangling the ribbon in front of my eyes.
"Perfect match. I knew it,"
Wow. The wave came again and left a prickling in my eyes. Letting out a deep sigh, I tugged on one end of the ribbon and it felt apart, dangling from my fingers as I unrolled the scroll. I saw your handwriting in black ink and felt a shiver running down my back. Black. You always wrote in blue. Always a blue pen with a super fine tip. Never black.
"Black is too depressing for me,"
I have laughed at your reasoning before distracting you from your paper and blue pen. I ran a hand down the first letter and noted that there were no date on the top right corner. The sight of your half cursive, hard to read handwriting reminded me of the little notes you left all over the place for me to find. With a final look around the room, as if looking for your presence, I started reading the first letter.
I love you. Fuck, I still love you after the past 2 months of being a miserable shadow lurking in the corner nearby. But this will be the end of it. I swear. I saw you earlier at the party with that pretty colleague of yours. Cue your accusation that I'm stalking you. As if. Anymore.
I hate you. I can see you're trying to be the good guy in front of our friends by seeking me out and asking me how am I. Acting as if you're concern with your eyes flashing over my shoulders every 48 seconds to look at that colleague. I''ll be eternally proud of my polite manners and the sweet smile I bestowed onto you as a parting when you got dragged away.
I know you watched me at the bar with one of your frat buddies, drinking myself silly while laughing at some joke. I know you saw me dancing on the floor with another guy from work, displaying an abandon you never saw in me before. And I definitely know that you saw me leaving with my dancing partner, giggling over some shit while I put on my coat. You were waiting for your date to say her goodbyes when a mutual friend asked me about my recent hospital stay.
I saw you frowning with that look on your face when I told them it was for a fall down the stairs. My silly heart told me perhaps you still care but I was too drunk and the she-slut, I mean colleague of yours were approaching so I merely grabbed my colleague and flashed you a bitter smile.
Don't worry yourself thinking I'm trying too hard to get over you. I'm moving on and moving away next week. I got that job offer halfway around the world where there won't be anyone with eyes like yours. Peace of mind guaranteed. My body's buzzing, my guy is sleeping in the bed and my blood is relishing the alcohol after 4 months of liquor celibacy. Goodnight and I hope she doesn't turn out to be a bottled redhead fake boobs harpy. Wait, she already is. Enjoy.
P/S: You weren't all that, baby.
Deep breaths. Deep deep breaths. I remembered the bitter smile. And the drinking followed by dancing. You're right, I wondered why were you acting that way before I got distracted. I remembered how a slight flash of worried came to me when I heard about the hospital stay.
I was relieved when you moved away. But sometimes, in the dark of the night I'll get a nagging feeling that somehow, both of us had lucked out.Even after 5 years of breaking it off. Rolling the letter back, I tied the ribbon around it again, staring into the remaining scrolls and wondered if all of them were similiar.